Security Blanket

When you get to be my age you start to wonder about the meaning of life and all of the other getting older mumbo jumbo. Trying to let go of youth and move on into middle age is hard for a lot of people. I have been through a lot in life and trying to find who I am has been one of my goals this year. As if that was not hard enough on its own I threw weight loss into the mix. I have lost weight before but was not prepared for the emotions that I feel this time. I have always felt like I have never had a voice or that no one took me seriously. Now they do. That is another roller coaster of emotions. Having numerous autoimmune disease. That makes the cesspool in my brain a little worse. However, I think out of every confusing thing that I am going through, handling my weight loss has been the worst.

When I look in the mirror I do not recognize myself. I still have the same eyes, nose, and lips. My bone structure is still the same but its visible now. Its like I am now exposed to the world. There is no better security blanket better than fat. Each pound lost is another layer of my past stripped away. If I let go of who I was then who am I now? With no security blanket I have had to deal with a lot from my past. Come to terms with a lot of stuff and close many doors that needed closing. Now I am in the hall, stripped of everything that I thought I was. My hall is long and dark but I do see a faint light at the end. Each day that passes the light gets brighter. I am getting closer to figuring out who I am now.  In all honesty I am not sure if I have ever really known the real Marsha Ann.

I believe that God has a reason for everything. Maybe by helping me remove my security blanket, He is showing me how to finally be happy with myself which will make me happier about life. Not having the security blanket exposes thoughts and feelings that I have pushed down. There is nowhere for my insecurities to hide anymore. When insecurities are discovered you have to figure out how to fix them. When you have seen what they are you cannot turn away from them. You have to meet them head on and knock them out of the way. In my hall I am battling my insecurities and all of the pain they have caused me. When I go to sleep tonight I will praise God for bringing me closer to who I truly am and leading me into a brighter future. A future with a lot less pain, insecurity, and disappointments. I will finally be free to be me. ❤️