Wrote this almost 2 years ago

The older I get the more it irks me to see women behaving badly toward one another. Why would it not be better to walk away from trouble? Why would it not be easier to sit someone down and talk to them instead of blasting them? If a woman has a problem with another woman why does it take a whole group to come to her defense? Is she that weak that she cannot take care of her own issues? I have been guilty of doing stupid things to other women in my past. I would like to think that I am mature and centered enough in my life that I don't need to behave that way anymore. I put that useless engery to good use. I use it to be a better wife, mother, friend and daughter. Negative people cannot be happy no matter how much they claim to be. If you are a happy person then you wouldn't want to bring saddness and pain to others. In my own opinion negative=low self esteem. No matter who you are, what you look like, what you own if you are hateful and mean-spirited toward other women there is no way you are honestly happy with yourself. I hope no one thinks that I am talking about anything or anyone specific. This has just been on my mind for a few days. I don't blog near as much as I used to because too many ppl would think my blogs were directed at them. It is sad that I stopped doing something that was a mental outlet for me becuase of other ppl jumping to conclusions. I think I will start blogging again for ME. And not worry about other ppl's paranoia.

*I wrote this blog on Myspace nearly 2 years ago. I guess I have been trying to fight women being ugly to one another for a long time. I am starting to feel like it doesn't make a difference and it is pointless. I think that I am going to step back for awhile and not be so involved in something that is clearly not going to change. I guess I will turn a blind eye for awhile and see if it makes my life any easier.

Still can't say his name...

I still can't say his name without wanting to cry. I can't think of that grin without wanting to hug his neck. The only peace that I get is thinking of him walking with Jesus in the light. No more pain. No more suffering. No more addictions. I see him sometimes and then I remember he isn't here with us anymore. I also take comfort in remembering the last time that I saw him was when he had just got out of church. It was the first time in a long time that I had seen him so dressed up. I had only seen him dressed up like one other time and that was the day he married a girl so nervous her legs were shaking so bad that I thought she was going to fall down. I am so thankful to the Lord for letting me see him so cleaned up the last time that I saw him. And I am so thankful for being able to have had that grin in my life for so long. The grin that now smiles for my sweet Jesus.

How to Stand Up for Something You Believe In - wikiHow

How to Stand Up for Something You Believe In - wikiHow

Cyber Bullying

Cyber-bullying is "the use of information and communication technologies to support deliberate, repeated, and hostile behavior by an individual or group, that is intended to harm others". Cyberbullying.org

For the past few days I have been up in arms over cyberbullying. I had enough of it yesterday and decided to take action. I took some steps to do my part to end some ugliness. I have been proud of myself for standing up for my convictions. But in the meantime I had lost sight that there are times that I am guilty of cyberbullying myself. Even if my bullying has been done unconscienely, I have still been guilty of it. I have to admit that there have been times that I have been so angry at people and used my FB as a way to vent my anger and intended to hurt their feelings. Even if it is done in a small way cyberbullying is wrong no matter what. How do I know that my ugly use of words did not cause damage to someone? My insensitive words could have been someone's breaking point. Maybe they had felt guilt over their own actions and my words made their guilt too much to bare. What right do I have to bring pain on anyone? I know I am not perfect and do not claim to be but I should try my best to not bring pain to other people. Whether it is minor or major we all need to stop bullying people. I know I have a strong conviction against bullying. But I am now wondering if I part of what I thought was conviction was actually guilt. Guilt over knowing that I have in the past behaved in such a bullying way. I know my bullying is minor compared to the horrible things that were posted on those vicious pages but bullying is bullying regardless of what level it is on. A sin is a sin.

(Romans 3:23) 23 For all have sinned, and fall short of the glory of God.

With awareness comes knowledge

As I sit here this morning I am almost in tears. Tears that are a mix of sadness, relief, and joy. I have just finished up a discussion question about using Classical Conditioning to help a person to quit smoking. Basically, Classical Conditioining  means that your brain is wired a certain way because of routine or habit. So it got me to thinking about my weight and the battle that I have had with it. I spent many years being obese and did not relaize I had gotten that big. I know it sounds odd that a person can weight 275 and not realize they are big but I truly did not see myself as big. I viewed myself as a curvy beautiful woman and felt like I was not fat. I also spent many years being depressed without realizing it. And yes a person can also be depressed without knowing it. I had a weight problem for many years and it never seemed to bother me nor did I realize that I was depressed. I swept a lot of stuff under the rug and unknowingly turn to food to feel better. When I started losing my weight I realized how depressed I had been for so many years and how food was what I had turned too. When I changed some things in my life I began to lose even more weight and became a happier person. Then a dramatic event happened and I had a nrevous breakdown where I spent months living on my couch. I regained all of my weight back because once again I turned to food. It has been over 2 years now and the battle still rages on. I can spend a couple of months feeling strong both mentally and physcially then something will happen and I will go back to my same routine of living unhealthy. I used to think I did it out of addiction but this morning I realize that I do it out of habit. It is a vicious cycle: get depressed, eat, gain weight, feel happy again, lose weight, drama occurs then back to depression. I have been on this evil merry-go-round for so long that it was not until just now that I even realized I was even on it. It has come to the point that even minor things set me back. An argument with Billy D can send me running for food. But the minor events are only pebbles in my path. I can easily get past them. it is the rocks in my road that are so hard for me to get past. Back in November I had lost over 20 lbs. and was going to the gym on a regular basis then my Mom was put in the hospital. I remembered it scared me so much that she was sick again and when I was getting ready to go to the hospital to see her I was thinking about how good Arby's sounded and since we would already be in Nac I might as well get a couple of their sandwiches. The next morning we were going back to see her and I thought about treating my Dad to lunch at his Barnhill's. I went back to eating in an unhealthy way and did not go back to the gym until just a few weeks ago. I cannot express enough how "awake" I am now. I can look back over the last 20 years of my life and see the pattern that I have had in my life. This morning I am praying so hard that with awareness comes knowledge and will help me stay on the path that I so desperately want to be on. I have a busy day today but I have to make a conscience effort to sit down and truly process what I have realized and put to good use all of the tools that I have learned about Classical Conditioning. My path seems so much clearer now and I feel very hopeful that I can start using my energy to move those rocks instead of using it to pick up a fork.