With awareness comes knowledge

As I sit here this morning I am almost in tears. Tears that are a mix of sadness, relief, and joy. I have just finished up a discussion question about using Classical Conditioning to help a person to quit smoking. Basically, Classical Conditioining  means that your brain is wired a certain way because of routine or habit. So it got me to thinking about my weight and the battle that I have had with it. I spent many years being obese and did not relaize I had gotten that big. I know it sounds odd that a person can weight 275 and not realize they are big but I truly did not see myself as big. I viewed myself as a curvy beautiful woman and felt like I was not fat. I also spent many years being depressed without realizing it. And yes a person can also be depressed without knowing it. I had a weight problem for many years and it never seemed to bother me nor did I realize that I was depressed. I swept a lot of stuff under the rug and unknowingly turn to food to feel better. When I started losing my weight I realized how depressed I had been for so many years and how food was what I had turned too. When I changed some things in my life I began to lose even more weight and became a happier person. Then a dramatic event happened and I had a nrevous breakdown where I spent months living on my couch. I regained all of my weight back because once again I turned to food. It has been over 2 years now and the battle still rages on. I can spend a couple of months feeling strong both mentally and physcially then something will happen and I will go back to my same routine of living unhealthy. I used to think I did it out of addiction but this morning I realize that I do it out of habit. It is a vicious cycle: get depressed, eat, gain weight, feel happy again, lose weight, drama occurs then back to depression. I have been on this evil merry-go-round for so long that it was not until just now that I even realized I was even on it. It has come to the point that even minor things set me back. An argument with Billy D can send me running for food. But the minor events are only pebbles in my path. I can easily get past them. it is the rocks in my road that are so hard for me to get past. Back in November I had lost over 20 lbs. and was going to the gym on a regular basis then my Mom was put in the hospital. I remembered it scared me so much that she was sick again and when I was getting ready to go to the hospital to see her I was thinking about how good Arby's sounded and since we would already be in Nac I might as well get a couple of their sandwiches. The next morning we were going back to see her and I thought about treating my Dad to lunch at his Barnhill's. I went back to eating in an unhealthy way and did not go back to the gym until just a few weeks ago. I cannot express enough how "awake" I am now. I can look back over the last 20 years of my life and see the pattern that I have had in my life. This morning I am praying so hard that with awareness comes knowledge and will help me stay on the path that I so desperately want to be on. I have a busy day today but I have to make a conscience effort to sit down and truly process what I have realized and put to good use all of the tools that I have learned about Classical Conditioning. My path seems so much clearer now and I feel very hopeful that I can start using my energy to move those rocks instead of using it to pick up a fork.