Martyr

I have come to realize that I spend a lot of energy trying to make everyone happy. I even sacrifice my own well being and happiness to assure someone else is happy. I can list a million different reasons why I am like this but can't think of one way to stop. I spent a lot of time being a selfish person. I am the total opposite now. I try to make everyone happy and it seems like the majority of this is money based. I think if I buy someone something they will be happy with me. Never works like that. I also do things I really don't want to do so I won't disappoint anyone. I would rather suck up any pain I am feeling or just push my anxiety down in order to make them happy. I am getting old before my time. Each time I go with the flow I become more and more empty. I am

Honestly to the point that I am either going to totally lose it or make some serious changes. I have always been a fighter. I just need to do some searching and ressurect the part of me that made me so strong. 

Genesis 19:26

Genesis 19:26~But Lot's wife looked back, and she became a pillar of salt.

I have been struggling a bit this morning over the past. Too often small things trigger emotions that I think I have already dealt with. When those emotions surface I feel that I have to once again fight those awful feelings and become very depressed again. I came across the scripture about Lot's wife. Before this morning I thought that this scripture only meant that we need to look away from evil. I feel differently about the scripture now.

I really believe too often we look back on memories and let them control our present. Salt preserves and Christians are supposed to preserve the Light of God. When we look back at our past are we preserving light or darkness in our hearts? I feel very enlightened after reading the scripture. I also feel more at peace about the past. Looking bad doesn't always have to be bad. As long as we don't dwell there and preserve sadness or bitterness in our hearts. Today I am choosing to use my "salt" to preserve the Light in my life.

Panic attacks/anxiety

I can distinctly remember my first panic attack. I was around 9 years old and had chicken pox. My dad stayed home with me one day. I had a really bad case of chicken pox and my fever was pretty high. I remember laying there feeling like I couldn't breath. My dad came into check on me and I told him that I couldn't breath. He was a little short with me and told me to just sit up and I would be fine. I remember talking to myself so I would feel better. Talking to myself helped. Keeping my thoughts inside of my head was much easier than actually saying the words out loud. I felt like I would be less judged that way.

I used to share a bed with my sister and when she would stay with a friend I would be terrified. There wasn't anything in particular that I feared. There was no bogey monster hiding under my bed nor was there a crazy clown in my closet. I just had this overwhelming fear. I would be so scared that I would crawl on the floor into my parents room and sleep by their bed. I remember being so relieved by the time I made it in their room. All of my panic would go away.

One of the things that helped me overcome my anxiety is my teddy bear. He was my anchor when I had panic attacks. He brought me a great deal of relief. When we would move I always packed Teddy in my suitcase because I couldn't be without him. I slept with him until I was 20. I even slept with him after my oldest son was born. Then my oldest son became my strength when I was in a panic. I still have Teddy.

I am just now coming to realize that my panic attacks and anxiety were present when I was a child. I would want to spend the night with a friend and would be doing fine until it was time to go to sleep then the panic would set in. I would wind up calling my mom to come get me. It was humiliating but the fear was too much for me to deal with. Being in the comfort of my own room was all I could think of. Now when things get to be too much for me I go into my room. I can sit on my bed and be alone for a few minutes then the anxiety lessens. I have darkening curtains over my windows so other than my lamp my bedroom is dark. I find peace in the room being dark. I also find peace and comfort in the rain. There is something so calming about the rain. Most people suffer when it rains but not me.  I sleep better and feel happier when it rains. I used to think it was really odd but now I embrace it. Just because it isn't what everyone else deems as normal doesn't mean it isn't normal. Anything that a person finds to bring themselves peace then I think they should consider that normal. No one can judge another person's definition of normal. Nor should others judge people who have a mental illness. The struggle is most def real.

Advice is the lowest form of conversation

One of the worst things you can do for a person who has anxiety/panic disorder is to give them unsolicited advice. Even if you suffer yourself no two people are alike. Often times the "advice" given adds to the guilt and shame. We can't just "get over it" nor do we have a lack of faith in God. The best thing you can do is offer prayer and an ear when they need it. Another thing that bothers me is to be touched when I am in a panic. I do not want to be touched. I want to be left alone. I feel like all of my nerves are on high alert and touching me feels evasive.