Today was pretty uneventful. I did discover that when I need a good cry I keep going back and sitting on the same old stump. When we first moved to the farm I had chosen that spot as my kinda “secret garden” type thing. Then it got logged and my area was gone. I still go sit there except now its a jumbled up mess. For some reason I am drawn to that spot. I go sit there, on my stump, in my spot, and cry.

Sometimes I feel like no one understands what its like to have severe anxiety and PTSD plus Lupus. An example of how things are for me now. I try to walk at least a little bit each day. This morning I felt really good some my hubs and I walked a little further than I usually do. I was feeling great and then bam! I could hardly move. My joints got stiff and the pain was setting in. Then I start to oanic. Worrying if I can make it back home or not. Because of barely being able to pick my feet up I kept getting caught in berry vines and almost fell numerous times. I almost asked my hubs to go get the Tracker and come pick me up. I didn’t because I was already so humiliated. I just gritted my teeth and walked on home. So my morning started off emotional which lead to a severe panic attack. Been on edge ever since.

I am going to try to get some rest and pray that this funk will go away. ❤️

Moving On

Whether I want to or not I am hurting. Been a long time since I have had my heartbroken. Kinda makes me feel like an old fool. If the good Lord leaves me on this Earth for another hundred years I will never get why some folks think its ok to use others. Make them care just to get what they want. Then when you are no longer needed you are out. The pain is bad today but tomorrow is another day. Everyday that passes the pain will become less and less. Just so very tired of trusting folks who are only out for themselves. I honestly could not sleep at night if I treated folks the way I am treated. I sure couldn’t hurt someone without batting an eye then turn around and claim to be a Christian. God says to love thy neighbor like you do yourself. Everyday I try to uphold this. I am kind, supportive, forgiving, and most of all I am there for folks. No matter how bad I get hurt sometime I will continue to be the same way. I would not be Marsha Ann if I were to stop being the person that I am today. I refuse to allow anyone to bring out the worst in me. Just gotta pray hard, wait for the pain to pass, and move on. No matter how much it hurts. 

Cloudy

For most of the past 6 years or so I have lived with a cloudy mind. For one reason or another. In one way or another. The cloudiness was almost always present. I needed the cloudiness. I needed to just lay back and float with the clouds. It was easier than living with a clear head. A clear head leaves room for things you don't want to think about or even remember. But I know that eventually the clouds are going to have to go away. Permanently. I feel the strong need for some sunshine. Not ready to let go of the cloudiness just yet but I am enjoying the little rays of sunshine I am letting in.

The devil is trying to keep my mind cloudy. The cloudier my mind is the less I see. The less I see the more I hurt. The more I hurt the more the devil has control. If the clouds go away then I have to face things, think about things, and process things. For a long time I loved the clouds. Ignorance is bliss! Now the clouds are holding me back. I need to see life as it is and deal with it. I need the sun but no matter how much sun I let in there will always, always be that really dark cloud way in the back. I won't know he is always there but from time to time he will let me know he still exists and that's ok. for he is where I gain some of my strength. I was strong enough to put him in the corner and I will be strong enough to fight him when he tries to come sneaking back in. From this day forward the clouds are being set free. I am being set free.....

Overthrown

Its 7:15 and I am already hurting. Been up for almost two hours. The longer I am awake the worse the pain is. I really did not want to cry today but have been off and on since I woke up. Hopefully I can get in to see the doctor today. My mind has so much static right now. I just want it all clear so I won’t feel so low.  So much has happened over the past few weeks that even a “normal” person would be ready to shut down. I have been looking for a word that goes beyond defeated. When I looked up the word defeated the word “overthrown” was used a lot in the results. Seeing that word over and over made me realize I still have some spark left in me. No way will the devil overthrow me.  I will keep fighting.   I just need to roll with the waves a little bit longer. Keep praying and this will all soon be over.

Martyr

I have come to realize that I spend a lot of energy trying to make everyone happy. I even sacrifice my own well being and happiness to assure someone else is happy. I can list a million different reasons why I am like this but can't think of one way to stop. I spent a lot of time being a selfish person. I am the total opposite now. I try to make everyone happy and it seems like the majority of this is money based. I think if I buy someone something they will be happy with me. Never works like that. I also do things I really don't want to do so I won't disappoint anyone. I would rather suck up any pain I am feeling or just push my anxiety down in order to make them happy. I am getting old before my time. Each time I go with the flow I become more and more empty. I am

Honestly to the point that I am either going to totally lose it or make some serious changes. I have always been a fighter. I just need to do some searching and ressurect the part of me that made me so strong.