Love thyself

I think sometimes we do so much for others because its easier than self care. Especially when you have a chronic illness. Most people with a chronic illness have the feeling that they have no control over their mind and/or body. Helping others is a way of having control in your life and have a sense of accomplishment in a world where you feel useless. Hearing "great job" or "thank you" are words we should be speaking to ourselves. Not words we are waiting to hear from someone else in order to feel needed and appreciated. At the end of the day those you help will no longer need you. You will be left feeling abandoned and let down. You will blame the other person for the negative feelings you have. Friendships can be ruined and relationships can end because of this. Then the focus will be on healing from the loss of someone you cared about. The vicious cycle will continue in relationship after relationship until you learn to be as good to yourself as you are to others. God, you, and then others. Sadly we skip the "you" part too often and slide right into doing for others to avoid the "you" part. Never avoid you or the baggage that comes with being you. Embrace yourself instead of relying on others to do it for you. You make yourself the #2 in your life. God then you. You will continue to feel empty until you learn that you are just as important as others. Take care of you. Be strong for you. Be good to you. Love you. ❤

Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of  a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight.~~~1 Peter 3:4

Lupus Lily

I have decided to name my Lupus, Lily. I figured since my Lupus is not going away anytime soon I might as well try to befriend her. Yesterday morning when I woke up Lupus Lily was beating on me worse than she ever has. I could hardly even walk. I know I have been doing too much lately but I have so many things in life that I want to do and have been too afraid to do. Lupus Lily could decide to attack my kidneys tomorrow and shut them down. IF that happens I want to be able to say that despite having Lupus I did this and that. I don’t want to live part of a life because of Lupus. If it means trips to the ER for relief then so be it. I don’t want to look back and say I should have. I can now look back and say I did it.

Hot beer & stale cigarettes

I can hear a certain song and it takes me right back to another time. An old friend of mine I haven’t seen in probably 20 years died last year. At one point in my life he was the only real friend I had. The last time we talked he said he loved me and I didn’t say it back. I never thought that would be the last thing I ever heard him say. He died thinking I did not love him but I did. I loved him with as much love as my heart had room for at that time. I was too busy loving myself to worry about anyone else. Through the grace of God that will never be me again. I will never let another person leave this world not knowing that I love them. I used to think you could only love one person at a time but thats wrong. There are so many types of love that folks share. You can love one hundred people at once but all for different reasons. I think God allows us to love so much that whatever painful things we go through we are surrounded by folks we love and who love us back. Ephesians 4:2: “Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love."

I have moved on from my Season of Thinning The Herd. 😜 I prayed a lot and cried a lot then I let it go. Within a three day period God revealed the ones I needed to remove from my life. There were exactly seven. All family. I have so much peace now. I am calling this my Season of Growth. Good things are happening for me and I know the devil will try me but I am prayed up. The harder the fight, the sweeter the reward. 😘🎈😘

True Leader

Around this time last year I was really struggling. I felt useless and decided after the Christmas Fest that I was going to stop volunteering. My body and mind were both so very tired. Then I was sent an invitation to like Joey Hudnall for Sheriff page. I liked some of the things that he had to say so I invited him to be a judge for the Christmas parade in Joaquin. He was just as nice in person as he was on Facebook. I like people who are the same no matter where they are at.

When Billy D and I left the Christmas Fest I felt the need to pray for Joey. I did not know him other than asking if he wanted to be a judge and maybe talking to him for a few minutes at the Christmas Fest. On a side note: He showed up early which was one less thing I had to worry about. I am not sure what made me start praying for him that day but I have every day since then.

In the past year I have grown so much as a person and have accomplished things I never thought possible. I have also seen a change in my husband who is now running for JP in 2022. He feels like if Joey has the courage to run then he might as well give it a shot too. I often gain strength and encouragement from those around me. I like folks who give up things in life to follow the will of God. Very few know that Hudnall gave up a beautiful ranch and a lucrative job to move back to Shelby County to run for Sheriff. I also stand in awe at his wife and kids. They sacrificed their way of life to move to Shelby County in order to support Joey. I am often asked why I support Joey as the next Sheriff of Shelby County. Two words sum that up: loyalty and honor. In the year that I have known him I have seen his undying commitment to God,family,friends, and to Shelby County. During troubling times I have seen him handle situations with dignity and honor. I have seen pictures of him helping strangers during Hurricane Harvey, I have seen him pass out school supplies to kids who needed them, I have seen him dedicate many hours to the safety and well being of the citizens of Tenaha but most off all I have seen him be a loyal family man. I cannot see where the citizens of Shelby County could go wrong with a Christian who is loyal to God, family, friends and Shelby County. Thats why I back Hudnall 100%. He is already a strong, encouraging leader and thats exactly what Shelby needs!

Family

About a year ago I volunteered to take over the Christmas Fest in Joaquin. I was given the number to the preacher at Joaquin FUMC because he wanted to help bring the community together. He actually saved my skin! Had it not been for his help in getting help I would have failed miserably. Instead $6000 was raised! This whole year everyone at FUMC has treated us like family. Billy D and I rotate going to Pine Ridge and FUMC. I love my Dad and love to hear him preach. I will continue going to Pine Ridge as long as he is preaching there. The connection that Billy and I both have with members of  both churches is like they are family. Well tonight Billy D found out that he is actually kin to Bro.Robert! They are second cousins!!! Billys bio dad was Bro.Roberts first cousin. Their Mommas were sisters. Not only that but Billys old boss Bill Baker is also his cousin. This coming Saturday is a family reunion that we will for sure be attending. Y’all just don’t know what this means to BD. We have always felt like God lead Billy to work for the city of Joaquin and now we know why. Had it not been for him working for the city I never would have volunteered and never would have met Bill or Bro.Robert. A whole entire family has been waiting on Billy D and on Saturday I know they will welcome him with arms wide open. Gods timing is so very incredibly beautiful! I have been saying for a few weeks now that God is shifting and elevating my life to new levels. This blessing is just the beginning. I stand in awe of how God works. He knows the emptiness Billy D has felt and is not only filling it but he is letting the joy and love overflow! Ain’t God good? 😊

Cloudy

For most of the past 6 years or so I have lived with a cloudy mind. For one reason or another. In one way or another. The cloudiness was almost always present. I needed the cloudiness. I needed to just lay back and float with the clouds. It was easier than living with a clear head. A clear head leaves room for things you don't want to think about or even remember. But I know that eventually the clouds are going to have to go away. Permanently. I feel the strong need for some sunshine. Not ready to let go of the cloudiness just yet but I am enjoying the little rays of sunshine I am letting in.

The devil is trying to keep my mind cloudy. The cloudier my mind is the less I see. The less I see the more I hurt. The more I hurt the more the devil has control. If the clouds go away then I have to face things, think about things, and process things. For a long time I loved the clouds. Ignorance is bliss! Now the clouds are holding me back. I need to see life as it is and deal with it. I need the sun but no matter how much sun I let in there will always, always be that really dark cloud way in the back. I won't know he is always there but from time to time he will let me know he still exists and that's ok. for he is where I gain some of my strength. I was strong enough to put him in the corner and I will be strong enough to fight him when he tries to come sneaking back in. From this day forward the clouds are being set free. I am being set free.....

Dabbling in poetry

I have decided to do a little poetry. I have poems going through my head a lot but rarely write them down. I have thoughts and feelings that might not pertain to anything going on in my life. I just think the words are beautiful and want to share them. So please do not read more into my writing than what is there. 😘

The smoke and mirrors have been removed. 

What you now see is real.

 Not just a facsimile. 

To be real means to be free. 

Forever in your heart you will now always see the real me. 

The free me. The shining me. The loving you me. The forever me. The because of you me......❤️

Ephesians

Let me start by saying the past few weeks have been some of the hardest of my life. So much has happened that I am having a hard time wrapping my mind around. Well I did have a problem but not anymore.

For months now God has been leading me to read the book of Ephesians. I even called my Dad to see if he could give me some info on the book. I still did not read it. I had numerous conversations with friends about it. Today during a conversation I was having the Lord kept putting Ephesians in my head. Still did not open my Bible. It is almost 11 p.m. and for some reason revenge and Ephesians kept rolling around in my aching head. I asked my hubby to Google "Ephesians" and "revenge". This is what he found: Ephesians 4:26-27  Go ahead and be angry but don't use your anger as fuel for revenge. And don't stay angry. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry,and do not give the devil a foothold. 

My first thought was how perfectly fitting these scriptures were today and sums up a lot of other things for me too. Then I opened up Ephesians and then Ephesians opened up me. Despite how fitting the scriptures summed up some stuff, these are not why the Lord has been directing me to read the book of Ephesians. This is:
Ephesians 4:32 Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.
I am not God. It is not my place to even think I know what God will do. I have to trust in Him to guide and protect me. I also have to continue to have a forgiving heart. Its been a struggle all evening but I have found the forgiveness in my heart. When I close my eyes tonight I will do so with the peace of mind knowing I have forgiven everyone who has ever done me dirty. God did not steer me toward Ephesians to learn about anger; He sent me there to learn more about forgiveness. I am good on the angry part because for the most part I have anger under control. Its the forgiveness part that I sometimes struggle with. As wore out as I am both mentally and physically, I thank God for today. Its through trials that we evolve and grow. Change also comes with trials. Tomorrow is a brand new day and I intend to make the best of it. I will continue to right all of the wrongs in my life. My slate has been wiped clean by God but I need to right some wrongs. He has given me a pass but I would not be Marsha Ann if I did not work on myself to become a better person with each day that passes. I will shut this down with one last scripture:
 Mark 11:25 But when you are praying, first forgive anyone you are holding a grudge against, so that your Father in heaven will forgive your sins, too.
 
 Peace be with you and have a good night!

 

 

Golden Thread

Golden Thread

  I have always felt like I have something special inside of me. I know we all do but a different kind of special. Something different than those around me. Often when I would feel that way I would feel totally isolated from the world. I have always admired writers. They get to show the world their special kind of something different. They are also admired for their something different. For most of my life I have felt like I had no voice. I think it’s why I have always loved to write. No one would ever listen to me but putting the words on paper gave me a release.

   One day during one of my infamous FB “debates” I would nose my way into something dawned on me. It wasn’t me people didn’t want to hear but it was my words. My angry often twisted words. Words that came from a blackened heart. Then when my blackened heart was busted into a million pieces I thought I was going to die from so much heartache. I felt like there was no way a heart as broken as mine would ever be put back together again. But I prayed. Lord how I prayed. With each prayer and each passing day my heart was mending but it was no longer black. Instead my heart has become a beautiful red like the Blood of my Savior Jesus Christ. The broken pieces are sewn back together with golden thread. The same thread that helped form the Heaven and Earth. I now have a voice because my words have changed. I use words of love, encouragement, unity, and guidance. My words are far from perfect but they have come a long way. Sometimes it’s a struggle but I have to keep remembering how miserable I was when I had a black heart and twisted words. By changing my words I am now a paid freelance writer. I went from not having a voice to having people thank me for the words I have written. 

   God will move in your life if you allow Him to. Let His love be the golden thread that mends all of your heartbreaks and makes you shine like never before. Find your something special or your something different and glow like the beautiful diamond that you are!

He heals the broken hearted and bandages their wounds.~~~Psalm 147:3 

Faith

Before we moved to the farm we spent several weeks cleaning up a cane patch that used to be my husbands grandparents backyard and where their house was. At least an acre of what used to be a pretty yard was covered in switch cane. When we were clearing out the cane every few feet we could find something that was a part of my husbands family. Pieces of old metal, farm tools, a pear tree that my husbands grandma had planted, and even some old pictures.

When we were almost finished clearing the cane I caught a glimpse of a crepe myrtle. The more the cane was cut down the more I could see one of the prettiest crepe myrtles I had even seen. It was almost perfect. My husband said he remembers it being in his grandmas backyard. A friend of my son was on the Bobcat clearing some more. I watched for a few minutes then realized he was fixing to uproot the crepe myrtle. Before I could get him to stop the tree was on the ground. The tree was piled up with the switch cane and burned over the spot where the tree roots were. My heart was so broken, I bawled and squalled for days over losing that tree. Then I started praying that at least a tiny piece of root was left. For over 5 years I have prayed for that tree to come back. I have repeatedly told my husband that it WILL be back! When he was leaving for work this morning he saw something pink out of the corner of his eye. He got out of the vehicle to go see what it was. Sure enough it was the tree! It had come back. the Lord answered my prayers in a beautiful way.

When I was looking at it I thought of myself and how far I have come in the past 5 years. When we first moved to the farm the Lord broke me down. I knew from the beginning that He was breaking me down to rid me of my sinful ways. My ground was made fertile and now my vine is growing stronger and more beautiful. I am like the crepe myrtle. I have been through a lot of fires, been broken down, ran over, and came back stronger than ever! God took my fertile soil and made something beautiful. I have been questioning a few things over the past week. Been doing a lot of praying for God to show me that I am still on the right path. After seeing the crepe myrtle blooming so beautifully I was assured that I am exactly where God wants me to be. Blooming beautifully as an example of faith and answered prayers. 

Ezekiel 17:8~It was planted in good soil beside abundant waters, that it might yield branches and bear fruit and become a splendid vine.   

The White Wall

For a long time when my husband would touch my exposed breasts I would feel like I was being attacked. I would lie there with my teeth gritted waiting for the contact to end. I have prayed so hard to not feel like that. Its not fair to me and especially not fair to my husband. Then today a blocked out memory exposed itself. When I was 13 I had stayed the night with a friend who had a much older brother. I don't have a lot of memory from that day. I remember falling asleep on their couch and him waking me up. The next thing I know he was removing my clothes but kept his on. I was scared and confused. When I started to tear up he told me to look at the wall and not him. His main focus was on my breasts. That's why I feel so dirty when my exposed breasts are touched. I have spent so many years feeling ashamed that when my own husband touches me I sometimes feel so dirty. After the older brother fondled me he then penetrated me. Only for a minute or so then he got up and said he got what he wanted. I guess taking the virginity of a 13 year old was an accomplishment for him. 

One of the saddest part of what happened to me is that I was labeled a slut by my peers. I had people stop talking to me and rumors spread that I had a venereal disease. Not once was his name drug through the mud. He was patted on his back for his "accomplishment". No one batted an eye that he had sex with a 13 year old. The slut label stuck with me for a long time. I admit that after that I earned that title. I was looking for affection in the wrong ways. There was a void in me that I was trying to fill by being promiscuous. I hated myself and did not know why. A few months after I was sexually assaulted was the first time I legitimately attempted suicide. I remember taking a bunch of my dads muscle relaxers because I wanted to die. I thought it was because I was being bullied and called horrible names. I blamed myself for the way others were treating me. I felt like a horrible person who did not deserve to live. All the pills did was make me sick and made me feel even more like a loser. 

Last year at the age of 46 I finally accepted that what happened to me was not my fault. I was a 13 yr old virgin that was labeled a whore because a male (I refuse to call him a man) who was almost 20 sexually assaulted me. I never said no so I blamed myself for what happened. In all honesty I was frozen. All I could do was just lay there with my face turned toward the wall. I didn't deserve what happened to me nor did I deserve being labeled a whore. I was sexually assaulted. Its very freeing to finally pardon myself. I will never again blame myself for what happened or how I lived my life for a few years after. I was just a confused little girl who did not deserve what happened to her. 💔

Genesis 19:26

Genesis 19:26~But Lot's wife looked back, and she became a pillar of salt.

I have been struggling a bit this morning over the past. Too often small things trigger emotions that I think I have already dealt with. When those emotions surface I feel that I have to once again fight those awful feelings and become very depressed again. I came across the scripture about Lot's wife. Before this morning I thought that this scripture only meant that we need to look away from evil. I feel differently about the scripture now.

I really believe too often we look back on memories and let them control our present. Salt preserves and Christians are supposed to preserve the Light of God. When we look back at our past are we preserving light or darkness in our hearts? I feel very enlightened after reading the scripture. I also feel more at peace about the past. Looking bad doesn't always have to be bad. As long as we don't dwell there and preserve sadness or bitterness in our hearts. Today I am choosing to use my "salt" to preserve the Light in my life.