Love thyself

I think sometimes we do so much for others because its easier than self care. Especially when you have a chronic illness. Most people with a chronic illness have the feeling that they have no control over their mind and/or body. Helping others is a way of having control in your life and have a sense of accomplishment in a world where you feel useless. Hearing "great job" or "thank you" are words we should be speaking to ourselves. Not words we are waiting to hear from someone else in order to feel needed and appreciated. At the end of the day those you help will no longer need you. You will be left feeling abandoned and let down. You will blame the other person for the negative feelings you have. Friendships can be ruined and relationships can end because of this. Then the focus will be on healing from the loss of someone you cared about. The vicious cycle will continue in relationship after relationship until you learn to be as good to yourself as you are to others. God, you, and then others. Sadly we skip the "you" part too often and slide right into doing for others to avoid the "you" part. Never avoid you or the baggage that comes with being you. Embrace yourself instead of relying on others to do it for you. You make yourself the #2 in your life. God then you. You will continue to feel empty until you learn that you are just as important as others. Take care of you. Be strong for you. Be good to you. Love you. ❤

Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of  a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight.~~~1 Peter 3:4

Tickled Pink

I am so excited! I took a chance and it paid off. Thanks Bubba for letting me name drop. 😎The lady that  I spoke with was super nice. I am a HUGE HUGE fan of his so if you do not like him please keep scrolling and don't bust my bubble! I am over the top thrilled!

BD

We are total opposites but yet we are the same. You always have to get the last word in and no matter how hard you try I always manage to coax you into saying the last word. I once referred to you as the Reagan to my Thatcher but then I realized you could not be either one of them. Your heart is too sweet. No way you could ever be iron fisted. I cannot call you the peanut butter to my jelly cuz I really don’t like either one plus a friend told us pb has rat poop in it so nope. I cannot call you the chicken to my waffle cuz you know my rule “Don’t mix my meats with my sweets.” So I guess all I have left to call you is the Billy D to my Marsha Ann.❤️

Family

About a year ago I volunteered to take over the Christmas Fest in Joaquin. I was given the number to the preacher at Joaquin FUMC because he wanted to help bring the community together. He actually saved my skin! Had it not been for his help in getting help I would have failed miserably. Instead $6000 was raised! This whole year everyone at FUMC has treated us like family. Billy D and I rotate going to Pine Ridge and FUMC. I love my Dad and love to hear him preach. I will continue going to Pine Ridge as long as he is preaching there. The connection that Billy and I both have with members of  both churches is like they are family. Well tonight Billy D found out that he is actually kin to Bro.Robert! They are second cousins!!! Billys bio dad was Bro.Roberts first cousin. Their Mommas were sisters. Not only that but Billys old boss Bill Baker is also his cousin. This coming Saturday is a family reunion that we will for sure be attending. Y’all just don’t know what this means to BD. We have always felt like God lead Billy to work for the city of Joaquin and now we know why. Had it not been for him working for the city I never would have volunteered and never would have met Bill or Bro.Robert. A whole entire family has been waiting on Billy D and on Saturday I know they will welcome him with arms wide open. Gods timing is so very incredibly beautiful! I have been saying for a few weeks now that God is shifting and elevating my life to new levels. This blessing is just the beginning. I stand in awe of how God works. He knows the emptiness Billy D has felt and is not only filling it but he is letting the joy and love overflow! Ain’t God good? 😊

Dabbling in poetry

I have decided to do a little poetry. I have poems going through my head a lot but rarely write them down. I have thoughts and feelings that might not pertain to anything going on in my life. I just think the words are beautiful and want to share them. So please do not read more into my writing than what is there. 😘

The smoke and mirrors have been removed. 

What you now see is real.

 Not just a facsimile. 

To be real means to be free. 

Forever in your heart you will now always see the real me. 

The free me. The shining me. The loving you me. The forever me. The because of you me......❤️

Overthrown

Its 7:15 and I am already hurting. Been up for almost two hours. The longer I am awake the worse the pain is. I really did not want to cry today but have been off and on since I woke up. Hopefully I can get in to see the doctor today. My mind has so much static right now. I just want it all clear so I won’t feel so low.  So much has happened over the past few weeks that even a “normal” person would be ready to shut down. I have been looking for a word that goes beyond defeated. When I looked up the word defeated the word “overthrown” was used a lot in the results. Seeing that word over and over made me realize I still have some spark left in me. No way will the devil overthrow me.  I will keep fighting.   I just need to roll with the waves a little bit longer. Keep praying and this will all soon be over.

Golden Thread

Golden Thread

  I have always felt like I have something special inside of me. I know we all do but a different kind of special. Something different than those around me. Often when I would feel that way I would feel totally isolated from the world. I have always admired writers. They get to show the world their special kind of something different. They are also admired for their something different. For most of my life I have felt like I had no voice. I think it’s why I have always loved to write. No one would ever listen to me but putting the words on paper gave me a release.

   One day during one of my infamous FB “debates” I would nose my way into something dawned on me. It wasn’t me people didn’t want to hear but it was my words. My angry often twisted words. Words that came from a blackened heart. Then when my blackened heart was busted into a million pieces I thought I was going to die from so much heartache. I felt like there was no way a heart as broken as mine would ever be put back together again. But I prayed. Lord how I prayed. With each prayer and each passing day my heart was mending but it was no longer black. Instead my heart has become a beautiful red like the Blood of my Savior Jesus Christ. The broken pieces are sewn back together with golden thread. The same thread that helped form the Heaven and Earth. I now have a voice because my words have changed. I use words of love, encouragement, unity, and guidance. My words are far from perfect but they have come a long way. Sometimes it’s a struggle but I have to keep remembering how miserable I was when I had a black heart and twisted words. By changing my words I am now a paid freelance writer. I went from not having a voice to having people thank me for the words I have written. 

   God will move in your life if you allow Him to. Let His love be the golden thread that mends all of your heartbreaks and makes you shine like never before. Find your something special or your something different and glow like the beautiful diamond that you are!

He heals the broken hearted and bandages their wounds.~~~Psalm 147:3 

Faith

Before we moved to the farm we spent several weeks cleaning up a cane patch that used to be my husbands grandparents backyard and where their house was. At least an acre of what used to be a pretty yard was covered in switch cane. When we were clearing out the cane every few feet we could find something that was a part of my husbands family. Pieces of old metal, farm tools, a pear tree that my husbands grandma had planted, and even some old pictures.

When we were almost finished clearing the cane I caught a glimpse of a crepe myrtle. The more the cane was cut down the more I could see one of the prettiest crepe myrtles I had even seen. It was almost perfect. My husband said he remembers it being in his grandmas backyard. A friend of my son was on the Bobcat clearing some more. I watched for a few minutes then realized he was fixing to uproot the crepe myrtle. Before I could get him to stop the tree was on the ground. The tree was piled up with the switch cane and burned over the spot where the tree roots were. My heart was so broken, I bawled and squalled for days over losing that tree. Then I started praying that at least a tiny piece of root was left. For over 5 years I have prayed for that tree to come back. I have repeatedly told my husband that it WILL be back! When he was leaving for work this morning he saw something pink out of the corner of his eye. He got out of the vehicle to go see what it was. Sure enough it was the tree! It had come back. the Lord answered my prayers in a beautiful way.

When I was looking at it I thought of myself and how far I have come in the past 5 years. When we first moved to the farm the Lord broke me down. I knew from the beginning that He was breaking me down to rid me of my sinful ways. My ground was made fertile and now my vine is growing stronger and more beautiful. I am like the crepe myrtle. I have been through a lot of fires, been broken down, ran over, and came back stronger than ever! God took my fertile soil and made something beautiful. I have been questioning a few things over the past week. Been doing a lot of praying for God to show me that I am still on the right path. After seeing the crepe myrtle blooming so beautifully I was assured that I am exactly where God wants me to be. Blooming beautifully as an example of faith and answered prayers. 

Ezekiel 17:8~It was planted in good soil beside abundant waters, that it might yield branches and bear fruit and become a splendid vine.   

Closer Walk With Thee

One of the biggest changes I have made since moving to the farm is how much closer to God I am. I think there are several things that contribute to this. I feel much freer here, things are not as hectic in my life anymore, I attend church on a regular basis, and I read my Bible more regularly. These are just a few things that I feel have made my walk stronger.

Having a stronger relationship with God has brought on numerous changes in my life. I feel like a completely different person. I see things through the eyes of a Christian now and my old ways are all dying away. One example that keeps coming to my mind is how I no longer watch some of the same TV shows as I used to. I always thought it was silly when I heard people say that they avoided watching certain TV shows because it affected their thinking. I now see what they mean. I can be just a few minutes into a show and start to think why on Earth am I watching this. Is the show pleasing to God? Does He want me watching this type of show? I have found other shows or movies to watch and when I am finished watching them I get a sense of calmness and joy. Watching "feel good" movies and shows really does make me feel good for watching them.

Another change that comes to my mind is how I treat others. I focus more on how I treat other people as opposed to how they treat me. Once my focus shifted I stopped having so much bitterness toward others. I used to quote the saying "You can love from afar" but have come to realize that if there is bitterness there you are not truly loving that person. I don't have it in my heart anymore to hold grudges or be ugly to anyone. It has taken me a very long time to not allow any dark spots form in my heart. Yeah sometimes I have moments of anger but through prayer those moments only last a few minutes and then I go along my merry way.

The biggest change in my walk with God comes from being faithful to church. I used to feel like going to church was just about showing God that I appreciate what he has done for me. It goes way further than that. Being faithful to church prepares me for the week, lets me spend time with my people, lets me hear His word in a way that just reading it does not, strengthens my relationship with God, and brings me unspeakable joy. I cannot imagine not being able to attend church on a regular basis.

I truly believe that it was God's will that we moved here. There have been so many signs from God that verify this for me. The main one being how much my Christian walk has changed. He took me off of the fence post and made me stop living a double life. The grass might have a few weeds in it but its is much greener on this side of the fence.

The sun

One of the most valuable things I have learned about since moving to the farm is how important the sun is. We spent a few weeks without electricty when we first moved here. I would sit and wait for the sun to rise so I could have light. Its been raining a lot lately and even on rainless days its cloudy. My yard is a slosh pit and work on my house has slowed down due to the nasty weather. Its pretty cold here in my bedroom but the sun is coming up and I can feel the room warming up. Despite the cold temperature, I know that the sun will heat my house up all day and that warmth will last several hours into the night. 

In the Spring/Summer we are going to have a garden and I know the sun will play a huge role in the success or failure of the garden. It seems silly to me that I used to take the sun for granted. It was just there. I mainly complained about it being too hot and would long for cooler days. I am sure during the Summer heat I will probably complain again but I have a new respect for the sun. I understand how vital it is for survival. I am seriously going to do research on using the sun as more of a resource than what we do now. I am hoping by next Winter the majority of our heat will come from natural resources. 

I feel like God led us to make the move to the farm and some days I wonder why. I know its not right to question God's will but I am human and sometimes my faith is weak. But most days His plan is clear. I suffer from anxiety/panic attacks and since we have moved here they aren't nearly as bad as they were. God shifted my mind away from fear to finding the strength and knowledge to make it through each day. I still have my low days but just like the sun I have my days where I am resourceful and shine bright. 

Genesis 19:26

Genesis 19:26~But Lot's wife looked back, and she became a pillar of salt.

I have been struggling a bit this morning over the past. Too often small things trigger emotions that I think I have already dealt with. When those emotions surface I feel that I have to once again fight those awful feelings and become very depressed again. I came across the scripture about Lot's wife. Before this morning I thought that this scripture only meant that we need to look away from evil. I feel differently about the scripture now.

I really believe too often we look back on memories and let them control our present. Salt preserves and Christians are supposed to preserve the Light of God. When we look back at our past are we preserving light or darkness in our hearts? I feel very enlightened after reading the scripture. I also feel more at peace about the past. Looking bad doesn't always have to be bad. As long as we don't dwell there and preserve sadness or bitterness in our hearts. Today I am choosing to use my "salt" to preserve the Light in my life.

Living clean

I have cleaned up my life and have given up the bad things that have made my life dirty. I don't drink, do drugs, or use tobacco products anymore. I have been thinking about cleaning up my diet as well. Eating a clean diet is another step toward me living my life to the fullest. It seems the longer I strive to have a cleaner life the more areas God shows me that I need to work on. He has laid it on my heart and in my mind for sometime now to clean up my eating habits. This is the first time I have felt like this. Usually I have losing weight as motive to eat better but now I just want to eat clean to have a cleaner body. I am not sure if my words make sense to anyone other than me. I want my whole life to be a reflection of being clean. Spiritually and physically.