Today was pretty uneventful. I did discover that when I need a good cry I keep going back and sitting on the same old stump. When we first moved to the farm I had chosen that spot as my kinda “secret garden” type thing. Then it got logged and my area was gone. I still go sit there except now its a jumbled up mess. For some reason I am drawn to that spot. I go sit there, on my stump, in my spot, and cry.

Sometimes I feel like no one understands what its like to have severe anxiety and PTSD plus Lupus. An example of how things are for me now. I try to walk at least a little bit each day. This morning I felt really good some my hubs and I walked a little further than I usually do. I was feeling great and then bam! I could hardly move. My joints got stiff and the pain was setting in. Then I start to oanic. Worrying if I can make it back home or not. Because of barely being able to pick my feet up I kept getting caught in berry vines and almost fell numerous times. I almost asked my hubs to go get the Tracker and come pick me up. I didn’t because I was already so humiliated. I just gritted my teeth and walked on home. So my morning started off emotional which lead to a severe panic attack. Been on edge ever since.

I am going to try to get some rest and pray that this funk will go away. ❤️

Ephesians

Let me start by saying the past few weeks have been some of the hardest of my life. So much has happened that I am having a hard time wrapping my mind around. Well I did have a problem but not anymore.

For months now God has been leading me to read the book of Ephesians. I even called my Dad to see if he could give me some info on the book. I still did not read it. I had numerous conversations with friends about it. Today during a conversation I was having the Lord kept putting Ephesians in my head. Still did not open my Bible. It is almost 11 p.m. and for some reason revenge and Ephesians kept rolling around in my aching head. I asked my hubby to Google "Ephesians" and "revenge". This is what he found: Ephesians 4:26-27  Go ahead and be angry but don't use your anger as fuel for revenge. And don't stay angry. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry,and do not give the devil a foothold. 

My first thought was how perfectly fitting these scriptures were today and sums up a lot of other things for me too. Then I opened up Ephesians and then Ephesians opened up me. Despite how fitting the scriptures summed up some stuff, these are not why the Lord has been directing me to read the book of Ephesians. This is:
Ephesians 4:32 Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.
I am not God. It is not my place to even think I know what God will do. I have to trust in Him to guide and protect me. I also have to continue to have a forgiving heart. Its been a struggle all evening but I have found the forgiveness in my heart. When I close my eyes tonight I will do so with the peace of mind knowing I have forgiven everyone who has ever done me dirty. God did not steer me toward Ephesians to learn about anger; He sent me there to learn more about forgiveness. I am good on the angry part because for the most part I have anger under control. Its the forgiveness part that I sometimes struggle with. As wore out as I am both mentally and physically, I thank God for today. Its through trials that we evolve and grow. Change also comes with trials. Tomorrow is a brand new day and I intend to make the best of it. I will continue to right all of the wrongs in my life. My slate has been wiped clean by God but I need to right some wrongs. He has given me a pass but I would not be Marsha Ann if I did not work on myself to become a better person with each day that passes. I will shut this down with one last scripture:
 Mark 11:25 But when you are praying, first forgive anyone you are holding a grudge against, so that your Father in heaven will forgive your sins, too.
 
 Peace be with you and have a good night!

 

 

Overthrown

Its 7:15 and I am already hurting. Been up for almost two hours. The longer I am awake the worse the pain is. I really did not want to cry today but have been off and on since I woke up. Hopefully I can get in to see the doctor today. My mind has so much static right now. I just want it all clear so I won’t feel so low.  So much has happened over the past few weeks that even a “normal” person would be ready to shut down. I have been looking for a word that goes beyond defeated. When I looked up the word defeated the word “overthrown” was used a lot in the results. Seeing that word over and over made me realize I still have some spark left in me. No way will the devil overthrow me.  I will keep fighting.   I just need to roll with the waves a little bit longer. Keep praying and this will all soon be over.

Panic attacks/anxiety

I can distinctly remember my first panic attack. I was around 9 years old and had chicken pox. My dad stayed home with me one day. I had a really bad case of chicken pox and my fever was pretty high. I remember laying there feeling like I couldn't breath. My dad came into check on me and I told him that I couldn't breath. He was a little short with me and told me to just sit up and I would be fine. I remember talking to myself so I would feel better. Talking to myself helped. Keeping my thoughts inside of my head was much easier than actually saying the words out loud. I felt like I would be less judged that way.

I used to share a bed with my sister and when she would stay with a friend I would be terrified. There wasn't anything in particular that I feared. There was no bogey monster hiding under my bed nor was there a crazy clown in my closet. I just had this overwhelming fear. I would be so scared that I would crawl on the floor into my parents room and sleep by their bed. I remember being so relieved by the time I made it in their room. All of my panic would go away.

One of the things that helped me overcome my anxiety is my teddy bear. He was my anchor when I had panic attacks. He brought me a great deal of relief. When we would move I always packed Teddy in my suitcase because I couldn't be without him. I slept with him until I was 20. I even slept with him after my oldest son was born. Then my oldest son became my strength when I was in a panic. I still have Teddy.

I am just now coming to realize that my panic attacks and anxiety were present when I was a child. I would want to spend the night with a friend and would be doing fine until it was time to go to sleep then the panic would set in. I would wind up calling my mom to come get me. It was humiliating but the fear was too much for me to deal with. Being in the comfort of my own room was all I could think of. Now when things get to be too much for me I go into my room. I can sit on my bed and be alone for a few minutes then the anxiety lessens. I have darkening curtains over my windows so other than my lamp my bedroom is dark. I find peace in the room being dark. I also find peace and comfort in the rain. There is something so calming about the rain. Most people suffer when it rains but not me.  I sleep better and feel happier when it rains. I used to think it was really odd but now I embrace it. Just because it isn't what everyone else deems as normal doesn't mean it isn't normal. Anything that a person finds to bring themselves peace then I think they should consider that normal. No one can judge another person's definition of normal. Nor should others judge people who have a mental illness. The struggle is most def real.