Faith

Before we moved to the farm we spent several weeks cleaning up a cane patch that used to be my husbands grandparents backyard and where their house was. At least an acre of what used to be a pretty yard was covered in switch cane. When we were clearing out the cane every few feet we could find something that was a part of my husbands family. Pieces of old metal, farm tools, a pear tree that my husbands grandma had planted, and even some old pictures.

When we were almost finished clearing the cane I caught a glimpse of a crepe myrtle. The more the cane was cut down the more I could see one of the prettiest crepe myrtles I had even seen. It was almost perfect. My husband said he remembers it being in his grandmas backyard. A friend of my son was on the Bobcat clearing some more. I watched for a few minutes then realized he was fixing to uproot the crepe myrtle. Before I could get him to stop the tree was on the ground. The tree was piled up with the switch cane and burned over the spot where the tree roots were. My heart was so broken, I bawled and squalled for days over losing that tree. Then I started praying that at least a tiny piece of root was left. For over 5 years I have prayed for that tree to come back. I have repeatedly told my husband that it WILL be back! When he was leaving for work this morning he saw something pink out of the corner of his eye. He got out of the vehicle to go see what it was. Sure enough it was the tree! It had come back. the Lord answered my prayers in a beautiful way.

When I was looking at it I thought of myself and how far I have come in the past 5 years. When we first moved to the farm the Lord broke me down. I knew from the beginning that He was breaking me down to rid me of my sinful ways. My ground was made fertile and now my vine is growing stronger and more beautiful. I am like the crepe myrtle. I have been through a lot of fires, been broken down, ran over, and came back stronger than ever! God took my fertile soil and made something beautiful. I have been questioning a few things over the past week. Been doing a lot of praying for God to show me that I am still on the right path. After seeing the crepe myrtle blooming so beautifully I was assured that I am exactly where God wants me to be. Blooming beautifully as an example of faith and answered prayers. 

Ezekiel 17:8~It was planted in good soil beside abundant waters, that it might yield branches and bear fruit and become a splendid vine.   

The White Wall

For a long time when my husband would touch my exposed breasts I would feel like I was being attacked. I would lie there with my teeth gritted waiting for the contact to end. I have prayed so hard to not feel like that. Its not fair to me and especially not fair to my husband. Then today a blocked out memory exposed itself. When I was 13 I had stayed the night with a friend who had a much older brother. I don't have a lot of memory from that day. I remember falling asleep on their couch and him waking me up. The next thing I know he was removing my clothes but kept his on. I was scared and confused. When I started to tear up he told me to look at the wall and not him. His main focus was on my breasts. That's why I feel so dirty when my exposed breasts are touched. I have spent so many years feeling ashamed that when my own husband touches me I sometimes feel so dirty. After the older brother fondled me he then penetrated me. Only for a minute or so then he got up and said he got what he wanted. I guess taking the virginity of a 13 year old was an accomplishment for him. 

One of the saddest part of what happened to me is that I was labeled a slut by my peers. I had people stop talking to me and rumors spread that I had a venereal disease. Not once was his name drug through the mud. He was patted on his back for his "accomplishment". No one batted an eye that he had sex with a 13 year old. The slut label stuck with me for a long time. I admit that after that I earned that title. I was looking for affection in the wrong ways. There was a void in me that I was trying to fill by being promiscuous. I hated myself and did not know why. A few months after I was sexually assaulted was the first time I legitimately attempted suicide. I remember taking a bunch of my dads muscle relaxers because I wanted to die. I thought it was because I was being bullied and called horrible names. I blamed myself for the way others were treating me. I felt like a horrible person who did not deserve to live. All the pills did was make me sick and made me feel even more like a loser. 

Last year at the age of 46 I finally accepted that what happened to me was not my fault. I was a 13 yr old virgin that was labeled a whore because a male (I refuse to call him a man) who was almost 20 sexually assaulted me. I never said no so I blamed myself for what happened. In all honesty I was frozen. All I could do was just lay there with my face turned toward the wall. I didn't deserve what happened to me nor did I deserve being labeled a whore. I was sexually assaulted. Its very freeing to finally pardon myself. I will never again blame myself for what happened or how I lived my life for a few years after. I was just a confused little girl who did not deserve what happened to her. 💔

Closer Walk With Thee

One of the biggest changes I have made since moving to the farm is how much closer to God I am. I think there are several things that contribute to this. I feel much freer here, things are not as hectic in my life anymore, I attend church on a regular basis, and I read my Bible more regularly. These are just a few things that I feel have made my walk stronger.

Having a stronger relationship with God has brought on numerous changes in my life. I feel like a completely different person. I see things through the eyes of a Christian now and my old ways are all dying away. One example that keeps coming to my mind is how I no longer watch some of the same TV shows as I used to. I always thought it was silly when I heard people say that they avoided watching certain TV shows because it affected their thinking. I now see what they mean. I can be just a few minutes into a show and start to think why on Earth am I watching this. Is the show pleasing to God? Does He want me watching this type of show? I have found other shows or movies to watch and when I am finished watching them I get a sense of calmness and joy. Watching "feel good" movies and shows really does make me feel good for watching them.

Another change that comes to my mind is how I treat others. I focus more on how I treat other people as opposed to how they treat me. Once my focus shifted I stopped having so much bitterness toward others. I used to quote the saying "You can love from afar" but have come to realize that if there is bitterness there you are not truly loving that person. I don't have it in my heart anymore to hold grudges or be ugly to anyone. It has taken me a very long time to not allow any dark spots form in my heart. Yeah sometimes I have moments of anger but through prayer those moments only last a few minutes and then I go along my merry way.

The biggest change in my walk with God comes from being faithful to church. I used to feel like going to church was just about showing God that I appreciate what he has done for me. It goes way further than that. Being faithful to church prepares me for the week, lets me spend time with my people, lets me hear His word in a way that just reading it does not, strengthens my relationship with God, and brings me unspeakable joy. I cannot imagine not being able to attend church on a regular basis.

I truly believe that it was God's will that we moved here. There have been so many signs from God that verify this for me. The main one being how much my Christian walk has changed. He took me off of the fence post and made me stop living a double life. The grass might have a few weeds in it but its is much greener on this side of the fence.

Materialistic

One of the hardest things about moving to the farm was being estranged from my "stuff". Stuff that I worked hard for in order to have the money to buy. Stuff I have collected for several years. Stuff that I would cry over if it were ruined. Plastic. Glass. Cloth. Crystal. Metal.  Shiny. Dull. Soft. Stuff. 

On more than one occasion I went into the barn and cried over my stuff. How dare stuff I had worked so hard for be in a dusty, damp barn? This was MY stuff. My stuff deserved better treatment than that! Never mind the fact that I had a warm bed to sleep in, food to eat, and a roof  over my head. Then one day a question popped into my head. Are you materialistic or thankful?

Sadly, my answer was materialistic. Stuff had become my god. Buying stuff brought me momentary satisfaction. I could look at my stuff with a sense of satisfaction that I was able to acquire it all. I didn't want stuff because someone else had it. I could care less about what someone else has. I wanted stuff because of the sense of accomplishment I got from acquiring it all. I wanted stuff because I wanted to be surrounded by pretty things. Temporary joy. Thats all I got from my stuff. Temporary joy. 

God's plan for me does not include being materialistic. I have been fighting Him tooth and nail over the past several months about my stuff but the fight is over. No longer will my stuff be a god in my life. Once I accepted God's plan for me, I began to pray about having the strength to let go of so much stuff. A materialistic cleansing of sorts. Each time I give something useless away the stronger it makes me. I am not saying that I won't have some nice things but no where near the overabundance of things that I have. The less stuff that I have the more thankful that I am. My focus has shifted from acquiring stuff to becoming more aware of my true blessings. True blessings do not come in the form of stuff. True blessings come when you are thankful for what you have. If I am not thankful for my blessings then why would God continue to bless me? 

P.S I have been doing some purging of my stuff and in doing so I have been able to bless others. The money that I earn is donated to my favorite charity organizations. Being less materialistic is part of God's plan for me and so is giving back to others. Its a win/win situation! 

The sun

One of the most valuable things I have learned about since moving to the farm is how important the sun is. We spent a few weeks without electricty when we first moved here. I would sit and wait for the sun to rise so I could have light. Its been raining a lot lately and even on rainless days its cloudy. My yard is a slosh pit and work on my house has slowed down due to the nasty weather. Its pretty cold here in my bedroom but the sun is coming up and I can feel the room warming up. Despite the cold temperature, I know that the sun will heat my house up all day and that warmth will last several hours into the night. 

In the Spring/Summer we are going to have a garden and I know the sun will play a huge role in the success or failure of the garden. It seems silly to me that I used to take the sun for granted. It was just there. I mainly complained about it being too hot and would long for cooler days. I am sure during the Summer heat I will probably complain again but I have a new respect for the sun. I understand how vital it is for survival. I am seriously going to do research on using the sun as more of a resource than what we do now. I am hoping by next Winter the majority of our heat will come from natural resources. 

I feel like God led us to make the move to the farm and some days I wonder why. I know its not right to question God's will but I am human and sometimes my faith is weak. But most days His plan is clear. I suffer from anxiety/panic attacks and since we have moved here they aren't nearly as bad as they were. God shifted my mind away from fear to finding the strength and knowledge to make it through each day. I still have my low days but just like the sun I have my days where I am resourceful and shine bright. 

Farm Life Week 6

Today starts week 6 of being at the farm. We have come so far in such a short amount of time. To me, the first 2 weeks we more about survival than living. They were probably 2 of the hardest weeks of my life both mentally and physically. With pure determination and being in the will of God we made it though. 

I am proud of myself for focusing more on what we do have as opposed to what we do not. However, there are times in which I do breakdown and feel almost hopeless. The Lord always brings me back to my lane and makes me stop swerving.

My anxiety had been much better here. I think the first few weeks I was just too tired to have a panic attack. The past week or so my anxiety has returned but not nearly as bad as it was. 

Over the past 5 weeks I have learned to either do without or work with what we have. I wouldn't trade the last 5 weeks for anything. Now as we start into week 6 I am finally feeling like this is real and our dreams are now reality. The farm feels like home. Good night my sweet friends. 

Panic Disorder Diva

Sometimes I think I am going to start calling myself the Panic Disorder Diva. I have come to the point that if something doesn't feel right I am not going to force myself to do it and will not be riddled with guilt. Those who don't like it can go skip a rope. 

One of lifes greatest pleasure is getting my hair professionally done. Over the past year or so I have been doing it myself except for one occassion. I really love my old hair stylist and the one who did my hair last Summer but something was causing my to go into panic/anxiety mode so I started just doing my own hair. I was always let down when I would open the box of hair dye to the point of almost crying. 

Today I am going to try someone new. She has a shop that sets off by itself and its just her. No crowds, no coworkers, no commotion, no people in and out, etc. I pray that this works for me. I find a great deal of comfort in being able to contact her this morning and let her know where I am mentally today. Her reply was both comforting and understanding. I think the best part of contacting her was how in charge it made me feel. Had I been met with something other than kindness and understanding I would have found somewhere else to go. I would not have returned to the disappointing box of over the counter box though. I would have just found someone who understands and went there. Blessfully, she got where I was coming from.

Todays count: Marsha Ann-1 Anxiety-ZERO