Love thyself

I think sometimes we do so much for others because its easier than self care. Especially when you have a chronic illness. Most people with a chronic illness have the feeling that they have no control over their mind and/or body. Helping others is a way of having control in your life and have a sense of accomplishment in a world where you feel useless. Hearing "great job" or "thank you" are words we should be speaking to ourselves. Not words we are waiting to hear from someone else in order to feel needed and appreciated. At the end of the day those you help will no longer need you. You will be left feeling abandoned and let down. You will blame the other person for the negative feelings you have. Friendships can be ruined and relationships can end because of this. Then the focus will be on healing from the loss of someone you cared about. The vicious cycle will continue in relationship after relationship until you learn to be as good to yourself as you are to others. God, you, and then others. Sadly we skip the "you" part too often and slide right into doing for others to avoid the "you" part. Never avoid you or the baggage that comes with being you. Embrace yourself instead of relying on others to do it for you. You make yourself the #2 in your life. God then you. You will continue to feel empty until you learn that you are just as important as others. Take care of you. Be strong for you. Be good to you. Love you. ❤

Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of  a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight.~~~1 Peter 3:4

Are you listening or being polite?

So today I had a “discussion” with someone who told me to stop mentioning my illnesses then I get the “we all get it already” speech. And some folks wonder why there is still such a stigma. Folks want to know enough to relieve themselves of any guilt by not asking but not too much information because in all honesty some folks just don’t care. And honestly I would rather someone walk by me in Walmart and tell me they don’t care about my health than the fake polite how are you doing? Don’t get me wrong. I have done it. I have politely asked someone how they are and when they tell me all I am thinking about is I hope Billy D got the right cake mix. So why not just smile and wave? Is it better to be standoffish than fake? Am I being a better woman of God by honestly wanting to know how the person is? I don’t have so much going on in my life that I don’t have a few minutes to spare to truly listen to what is being said. You might be the only person he or she has spoken with all day or possibly days. So if they take up a few minutes of your time just appreciate the blessing you are giving them and praise God for putting you there to listen. 

This poor man called, and the Lord heard him;
he saved him out of all his troubles.

Psalm 34:6

Dabbling in poetry

I have decided to do a little poetry. I have poems going through my head a lot but rarely write them down. I have thoughts and feelings that might not pertain to anything going on in my life. I just think the words are beautiful and want to share them. So please do not read more into my writing than what is there. 😘

The smoke and mirrors have been removed. 

What you now see is real.

 Not just a facsimile. 

To be real means to be free. 

Forever in your heart you will now always see the real me. 

The free me. The shining me. The loving you me. The forever me. The because of you me......❤️

Faith

Before we moved to the farm we spent several weeks cleaning up a cane patch that used to be my husbands grandparents backyard and where their house was. At least an acre of what used to be a pretty yard was covered in switch cane. When we were clearing out the cane every few feet we could find something that was a part of my husbands family. Pieces of old metal, farm tools, a pear tree that my husbands grandma had planted, and even some old pictures.

When we were almost finished clearing the cane I caught a glimpse of a crepe myrtle. The more the cane was cut down the more I could see one of the prettiest crepe myrtles I had even seen. It was almost perfect. My husband said he remembers it being in his grandmas backyard. A friend of my son was on the Bobcat clearing some more. I watched for a few minutes then realized he was fixing to uproot the crepe myrtle. Before I could get him to stop the tree was on the ground. The tree was piled up with the switch cane and burned over the spot where the tree roots were. My heart was so broken, I bawled and squalled for days over losing that tree. Then I started praying that at least a tiny piece of root was left. For over 5 years I have prayed for that tree to come back. I have repeatedly told my husband that it WILL be back! When he was leaving for work this morning he saw something pink out of the corner of his eye. He got out of the vehicle to go see what it was. Sure enough it was the tree! It had come back. the Lord answered my prayers in a beautiful way.

When I was looking at it I thought of myself and how far I have come in the past 5 years. When we first moved to the farm the Lord broke me down. I knew from the beginning that He was breaking me down to rid me of my sinful ways. My ground was made fertile and now my vine is growing stronger and more beautiful. I am like the crepe myrtle. I have been through a lot of fires, been broken down, ran over, and came back stronger than ever! God took my fertile soil and made something beautiful. I have been questioning a few things over the past week. Been doing a lot of praying for God to show me that I am still on the right path. After seeing the crepe myrtle blooming so beautifully I was assured that I am exactly where God wants me to be. Blooming beautifully as an example of faith and answered prayers. 

Ezekiel 17:8~It was planted in good soil beside abundant waters, that it might yield branches and bear fruit and become a splendid vine.   

The White Wall

For a long time when my husband would touch my exposed breasts I would feel like I was being attacked. I would lie there with my teeth gritted waiting for the contact to end. I have prayed so hard to not feel like that. Its not fair to me and especially not fair to my husband. Then today a blocked out memory exposed itself. When I was 13 I had stayed the night with a friend who had a much older brother. I don't have a lot of memory from that day. I remember falling asleep on their couch and him waking me up. The next thing I know he was removing my clothes but kept his on. I was scared and confused. When I started to tear up he told me to look at the wall and not him. His main focus was on my breasts. That's why I feel so dirty when my exposed breasts are touched. I have spent so many years feeling ashamed that when my own husband touches me I sometimes feel so dirty. After the older brother fondled me he then penetrated me. Only for a minute or so then he got up and said he got what he wanted. I guess taking the virginity of a 13 year old was an accomplishment for him. 

One of the saddest part of what happened to me is that I was labeled a slut by my peers. I had people stop talking to me and rumors spread that I had a venereal disease. Not once was his name drug through the mud. He was patted on his back for his "accomplishment". No one batted an eye that he had sex with a 13 year old. The slut label stuck with me for a long time. I admit that after that I earned that title. I was looking for affection in the wrong ways. There was a void in me that I was trying to fill by being promiscuous. I hated myself and did not know why. A few months after I was sexually assaulted was the first time I legitimately attempted suicide. I remember taking a bunch of my dads muscle relaxers because I wanted to die. I thought it was because I was being bullied and called horrible names. I blamed myself for the way others were treating me. I felt like a horrible person who did not deserve to live. All the pills did was make me sick and made me feel even more like a loser. 

Last year at the age of 46 I finally accepted that what happened to me was not my fault. I was a 13 yr old virgin that was labeled a whore because a male (I refuse to call him a man) who was almost 20 sexually assaulted me. I never said no so I blamed myself for what happened. In all honesty I was frozen. All I could do was just lay there with my face turned toward the wall. I didn't deserve what happened to me nor did I deserve being labeled a whore. I was sexually assaulted. Its very freeing to finally pardon myself. I will never again blame myself for what happened or how I lived my life for a few years after. I was just a confused little girl who did not deserve what happened to her. 💔

Materialistic

One of the hardest things about moving to the farm was being estranged from my "stuff". Stuff that I worked hard for in order to have the money to buy. Stuff I have collected for several years. Stuff that I would cry over if it were ruined. Plastic. Glass. Cloth. Crystal. Metal.  Shiny. Dull. Soft. Stuff. 

On more than one occasion I went into the barn and cried over my stuff. How dare stuff I had worked so hard for be in a dusty, damp barn? This was MY stuff. My stuff deserved better treatment than that! Never mind the fact that I had a warm bed to sleep in, food to eat, and a roof  over my head. Then one day a question popped into my head. Are you materialistic or thankful?

Sadly, my answer was materialistic. Stuff had become my god. Buying stuff brought me momentary satisfaction. I could look at my stuff with a sense of satisfaction that I was able to acquire it all. I didn't want stuff because someone else had it. I could care less about what someone else has. I wanted stuff because of the sense of accomplishment I got from acquiring it all. I wanted stuff because I wanted to be surrounded by pretty things. Temporary joy. Thats all I got from my stuff. Temporary joy. 

God's plan for me does not include being materialistic. I have been fighting Him tooth and nail over the past several months about my stuff but the fight is over. No longer will my stuff be a god in my life. Once I accepted God's plan for me, I began to pray about having the strength to let go of so much stuff. A materialistic cleansing of sorts. Each time I give something useless away the stronger it makes me. I am not saying that I won't have some nice things but no where near the overabundance of things that I have. The less stuff that I have the more thankful that I am. My focus has shifted from acquiring stuff to becoming more aware of my true blessings. True blessings do not come in the form of stuff. True blessings come when you are thankful for what you have. If I am not thankful for my blessings then why would God continue to bless me? 

P.S I have been doing some purging of my stuff and in doing so I have been able to bless others. The money that I earn is donated to my favorite charity organizations. Being less materialistic is part of God's plan for me and so is giving back to others. Its a win/win situation! 

Cool July Day

We took advantage of it being in the low 70's here and did some cleaning at the farm. I thought it would be a few more months before the temps would be low enough to do any work but the Lord blessed us with mild weather. We didn't get much done but we did accomplish burning some of the switch cane. I loathe that stuff. Billy said every time we heard one pop from being burned it was one step closer to us accomplishing our dream. You can finally see the barn from the road now. We are hoping to have water and electricity by September. I think once we sttart laying the floor down I will feel that we are well on our way. I think I need to pray for more patience.