Today was pretty uneventful. I did discover that when I need a good cry I keep going back and sitting on the same old stump. When we first moved to the farm I had chosen that spot as my kinda “secret garden” type thing. Then it got logged and my area was gone. I still go sit there except now its a jumbled up mess. For some reason I am drawn to that spot. I go sit there, on my stump, in my spot, and cry.

Sometimes I feel like no one understands what its like to have severe anxiety and PTSD plus Lupus. An example of how things are for me now. I try to walk at least a little bit each day. This morning I felt really good some my hubs and I walked a little further than I usually do. I was feeling great and then bam! I could hardly move. My joints got stiff and the pain was setting in. Then I start to oanic. Worrying if I can make it back home or not. Because of barely being able to pick my feet up I kept getting caught in berry vines and almost fell numerous times. I almost asked my hubs to go get the Tracker and come pick me up. I didn’t because I was already so humiliated. I just gritted my teeth and walked on home. So my morning started off emotional which lead to a severe panic attack. Been on edge ever since.

I am going to try to get some rest and pray that this funk will go away. ❤️

Moving On

Whether I want to or not I am hurting. Been a long time since I have had my heartbroken. Kinda makes me feel like an old fool. If the good Lord leaves me on this Earth for another hundred years I will never get why some folks think its ok to use others. Make them care just to get what they want. Then when you are no longer needed you are out. The pain is bad today but tomorrow is another day. Everyday that passes the pain will become less and less. Just so very tired of trusting folks who are only out for themselves. I honestly could not sleep at night if I treated folks the way I am treated. I sure couldn’t hurt someone without batting an eye then turn around and claim to be a Christian. God says to love thy neighbor like you do yourself. Everyday I try to uphold this. I am kind, supportive, forgiving, and most of all I am there for folks. No matter how bad I get hurt sometime I will continue to be the same way. I would not be Marsha Ann if I were to stop being the person that I am today. I refuse to allow anyone to bring out the worst in me. Just gotta pray hard, wait for the pain to pass, and move on. No matter how much it hurts. 

Overthrown

Its 7:15 and I am already hurting. Been up for almost two hours. The longer I am awake the worse the pain is. I really did not want to cry today but have been off and on since I woke up. Hopefully I can get in to see the doctor today. My mind has so much static right now. I just want it all clear so I won’t feel so low.  So much has happened over the past few weeks that even a “normal” person would be ready to shut down. I have been looking for a word that goes beyond defeated. When I looked up the word defeated the word “overthrown” was used a lot in the results. Seeing that word over and over made me realize I still have some spark left in me. No way will the devil overthrow me.  I will keep fighting.   I just need to roll with the waves a little bit longer. Keep praying and this will all soon be over.

Golden Thread

Golden Thread

  I have always felt like I have something special inside of me. I know we all do but a different kind of special. Something different than those around me. Often when I would feel that way I would feel totally isolated from the world. I have always admired writers. They get to show the world their special kind of something different. They are also admired for their something different. For most of my life I have felt like I had no voice. I think it’s why I have always loved to write. No one would ever listen to me but putting the words on paper gave me a release.

   One day during one of my infamous FB “debates” I would nose my way into something dawned on me. It wasn’t me people didn’t want to hear but it was my words. My angry often twisted words. Words that came from a blackened heart. Then when my blackened heart was busted into a million pieces I thought I was going to die from so much heartache. I felt like there was no way a heart as broken as mine would ever be put back together again. But I prayed. Lord how I prayed. With each prayer and each passing day my heart was mending but it was no longer black. Instead my heart has become a beautiful red like the Blood of my Savior Jesus Christ. The broken pieces are sewn back together with golden thread. The same thread that helped form the Heaven and Earth. I now have a voice because my words have changed. I use words of love, encouragement, unity, and guidance. My words are far from perfect but they have come a long way. Sometimes it’s a struggle but I have to keep remembering how miserable I was when I had a black heart and twisted words. By changing my words I am now a paid freelance writer. I went from not having a voice to having people thank me for the words I have written. 

   God will move in your life if you allow Him to. Let His love be the golden thread that mends all of your heartbreaks and makes you shine like never before. Find your something special or your something different and glow like the beautiful diamond that you are!

He heals the broken hearted and bandages their wounds.~~~Psalm 147:3 

Faith

Before we moved to the farm we spent several weeks cleaning up a cane patch that used to be my husbands grandparents backyard and where their house was. At least an acre of what used to be a pretty yard was covered in switch cane. When we were clearing out the cane every few feet we could find something that was a part of my husbands family. Pieces of old metal, farm tools, a pear tree that my husbands grandma had planted, and even some old pictures.

When we were almost finished clearing the cane I caught a glimpse of a crepe myrtle. The more the cane was cut down the more I could see one of the prettiest crepe myrtles I had even seen. It was almost perfect. My husband said he remembers it being in his grandmas backyard. A friend of my son was on the Bobcat clearing some more. I watched for a few minutes then realized he was fixing to uproot the crepe myrtle. Before I could get him to stop the tree was on the ground. The tree was piled up with the switch cane and burned over the spot where the tree roots were. My heart was so broken, I bawled and squalled for days over losing that tree. Then I started praying that at least a tiny piece of root was left. For over 5 years I have prayed for that tree to come back. I have repeatedly told my husband that it WILL be back! When he was leaving for work this morning he saw something pink out of the corner of his eye. He got out of the vehicle to go see what it was. Sure enough it was the tree! It had come back. the Lord answered my prayers in a beautiful way.

When I was looking at it I thought of myself and how far I have come in the past 5 years. When we first moved to the farm the Lord broke me down. I knew from the beginning that He was breaking me down to rid me of my sinful ways. My ground was made fertile and now my vine is growing stronger and more beautiful. I am like the crepe myrtle. I have been through a lot of fires, been broken down, ran over, and came back stronger than ever! God took my fertile soil and made something beautiful. I have been questioning a few things over the past week. Been doing a lot of praying for God to show me that I am still on the right path. After seeing the crepe myrtle blooming so beautifully I was assured that I am exactly where God wants me to be. Blooming beautifully as an example of faith and answered prayers. 

Ezekiel 17:8~It was planted in good soil beside abundant waters, that it might yield branches and bear fruit and become a splendid vine.