Farm Life Week 6

Today starts week 6 of being at the farm. We have come so far in such a short amount of time. To me, the first 2 weeks we more about survival than living. They were probably 2 of the hardest weeks of my life both mentally and physically. With pure determination and being in the will of God we made it though. 

I am proud of myself for focusing more on what we do have as opposed to what we do not. However, there are times in which I do breakdown and feel almost hopeless. The Lord always brings me back to my lane and makes me stop swerving.

My anxiety had been much better here. I think the first few weeks I was just too tired to have a panic attack. The past week or so my anxiety has returned but not nearly as bad as it was. 

Over the past 5 weeks I have learned to either do without or work with what we have. I wouldn't trade the last 5 weeks for anything. Now as we start into week 6 I am finally feeling like this is real and our dreams are now reality. The farm feels like home. Good night my sweet friends. 

Panic Disorder Diva

Sometimes I think I am going to start calling myself the Panic Disorder Diva. I have come to the point that if something doesn't feel right I am not going to force myself to do it and will not be riddled with guilt. Those who don't like it can go skip a rope. 

One of lifes greatest pleasure is getting my hair professionally done. Over the past year or so I have been doing it myself except for one occassion. I really love my old hair stylist and the one who did my hair last Summer but something was causing my to go into panic/anxiety mode so I started just doing my own hair. I was always let down when I would open the box of hair dye to the point of almost crying. 

Today I am going to try someone new. She has a shop that sets off by itself and its just her. No crowds, no coworkers, no commotion, no people in and out, etc. I pray that this works for me. I find a great deal of comfort in being able to contact her this morning and let her know where I am mentally today. Her reply was both comforting and understanding. I think the best part of contacting her was how in charge it made me feel. Had I been met with something other than kindness and understanding I would have found somewhere else to go. I would not have returned to the disappointing box of over the counter box though. I would have just found someone who understands and went there. Blessfully, she got where I was coming from.

Todays count: Marsha Ann-1 Anxiety-ZERO 

Martyr

I have come to realize that I spend a lot of energy trying to make everyone happy. I even sacrifice my own well being and happiness to assure someone else is happy. I can list a million different reasons why I am like this but can't think of one way to stop. I spent a lot of time being a selfish person. I am the total opposite now. I try to make everyone happy and it seems like the majority of this is money based. I think if I buy someone something they will be happy with me. Never works like that. I also do things I really don't want to do so I won't disappoint anyone. I would rather suck up any pain I am feeling or just push my anxiety down in order to make them happy. I am getting old before my time. Each time I go with the flow I become more and more empty. I am

Honestly to the point that I am either going to totally lose it or make some serious changes. I have always been a fighter. I just need to do some searching and ressurect the part of me that made me so strong. 

Genesis 19:26

Genesis 19:26~But Lot's wife looked back, and she became a pillar of salt.

I have been struggling a bit this morning over the past. Too often small things trigger emotions that I think I have already dealt with. When those emotions surface I feel that I have to once again fight those awful feelings and become very depressed again. I came across the scripture about Lot's wife. Before this morning I thought that this scripture only meant that we need to look away from evil. I feel differently about the scripture now.

I really believe too often we look back on memories and let them control our present. Salt preserves and Christians are supposed to preserve the Light of God. When we look back at our past are we preserving light or darkness in our hearts? I feel very enlightened after reading the scripture. I also feel more at peace about the past. Looking bad doesn't always have to be bad. As long as we don't dwell there and preserve sadness or bitterness in our hearts. Today I am choosing to use my "salt" to preserve the Light in my life.

Panic attacks/anxiety

I can distinctly remember my first panic attack. I was around 9 years old and had chicken pox. My dad stayed home with me one day. I had a really bad case of chicken pox and my fever was pretty high. I remember laying there feeling like I couldn't breath. My dad came into check on me and I told him that I couldn't breath. He was a little short with me and told me to just sit up and I would be fine. I remember talking to myself so I would feel better. Talking to myself helped. Keeping my thoughts inside of my head was much easier than actually saying the words out loud. I felt like I would be less judged that way.

I used to share a bed with my sister and when she would stay with a friend I would be terrified. There wasn't anything in particular that I feared. There was no bogey monster hiding under my bed nor was there a crazy clown in my closet. I just had this overwhelming fear. I would be so scared that I would crawl on the floor into my parents room and sleep by their bed. I remember being so relieved by the time I made it in their room. All of my panic would go away.

One of the things that helped me overcome my anxiety is my teddy bear. He was my anchor when I had panic attacks. He brought me a great deal of relief. When we would move I always packed Teddy in my suitcase because I couldn't be without him. I slept with him until I was 20. I even slept with him after my oldest son was born. Then my oldest son became my strength when I was in a panic. I still have Teddy.

I am just now coming to realize that my panic attacks and anxiety were present when I was a child. I would want to spend the night with a friend and would be doing fine until it was time to go to sleep then the panic would set in. I would wind up calling my mom to come get me. It was humiliating but the fear was too much for me to deal with. Being in the comfort of my own room was all I could think of. Now when things get to be too much for me I go into my room. I can sit on my bed and be alone for a few minutes then the anxiety lessens. I have darkening curtains over my windows so other than my lamp my bedroom is dark. I find peace in the room being dark. I also find peace and comfort in the rain. There is something so calming about the rain. Most people suffer when it rains but not me.  I sleep better and feel happier when it rains. I used to think it was really odd but now I embrace it. Just because it isn't what everyone else deems as normal doesn't mean it isn't normal. Anything that a person finds to bring themselves peace then I think they should consider that normal. No one can judge another person's definition of normal. Nor should others judge people who have a mental illness. The struggle is most def real.

Advice is the lowest form of conversation

One of the worst things you can do for a person who has anxiety/panic disorder is to give them unsolicited advice. Even if you suffer yourself no two people are alike. Often times the "advice" given adds to the guilt and shame. We can't just "get over it" nor do we have a lack of faith in God. The best thing you can do is offer prayer and an ear when they need it. Another thing that bothers me is to be touched when I am in a panic. I do not want to be touched. I want to be left alone. I feel like all of my nerves are on high alert and touching me feels evasive.

Update

I thought I post a few pictures of our progress at the farm. I am amazed at how much we have gotten done. So ready to start the renovations in the barn. 

The first picture is from April before we got started and the second picture is how it looks now. 

Cool July Day

We took advantage of it being in the low 70's here and did some cleaning at the farm. I thought it would be a few more months before the temps would be low enough to do any work but the Lord blessed us with mild weather. We didn't get much done but we did accomplish burning some of the switch cane. I loathe that stuff. Billy said every time we heard one pop from being burned it was one step closer to us accomplishing our dream. You can finally see the barn from the road now. We are hoping to have water and electricity by September. I think once we sttart laying the floor down I will feel that we are well on our way. I think I need to pray for more patience. 

Back at it

Its been awhile since we have done any real work in the farm. A friend of ours let us borrow his Bobcat so we are doing some major cleaning today. Its a beautiful day and surprisingly cool for mid June in East Texas. I cannot wait until we live over here. Its so peaceful. 

Clearing land

We rented a mini excavator yesterday and got rid of about 80% of the switch cane. Slowly but surely we can see some changes. 

Tea Dye

I am such a fabric snob! I can't stand

the stiff white cross stitch fabric. I usually have to order nicer fabrics online but decided to tea dye some. 

I started by putting  my crumbled up fabric in boiling water then added tea bags. 

Next I laud a few cold tea bags in the fabric then I rinsed the fabric in a vinegar and water muxture. 

I hung it out to dry and then ironed it. I saved myself some moolah and feel accomplished. 

Another day on the farm

We got a lot done today. We borrowed a friends tractor and got almost everything cleaned out of the barn. 

We are going to take tomorrow off and rest. Oh and I put some pretties under a pear tree that Billy's grandma planted. 

We will be spending my bday weekend working over there. Looking forward to another weekend on the farm! #woolfbarn

Saving

We know the cost of renovating the barn is not going to be cheap. I was proud of Billy who stopped by the bank and added money to an old savings account. Its not much but its a start!

Day #2 April 18, 2014

Today we focused more on inside of the barn. It has years worth of accumulation and it took us several hours to even put a small dent in the massive amount of junk inside.

This is the only area of the Woolf Barn that we were able to completely clean up. We made several loads to the dump.

It didn't take us long to discover a MASSIVE rat. It was almost the size of a squirrel. So Billy brought out his rat killing gun.

Josh wanted no part of it so he ran and jumped on a hay bale.

All in all it was a very good day. We got to spend quality time as a family and we got a lot done.

Day #1 April 12, 2014

Our first day to cleaning up at the farm was pretty productive despite a small setback.

We had to leave our trailer at home which meant leaving our lawnmower. On our way to the farm we passed a friend who asked if we needed help and he said he would come mow. Then Josh (our youngest son) loaded up our lawnmower into his truck. Problem solved!

It is starting to look like we have an actual driveway now. Each step brings up closer to the finish line.

We spent about 4 hours cleaning the land. It was a very tiring day but the smile on my husband's face was well worth it!

Woolf Barn

When my husband was a teenager him and his dad built a barn. We have decided to undertake the HUGE task of turning the barn into a house. I am so excited about this and feel that the Lord has led us to this. On the day we got the go ahead to start the process there were many signs from God showing us that we had made the right decision. I know with God on our side anything is possible.

Day 2

I made it through day two despite sabatoge. My hubs thought it would be nice to buy me some crawfish but I didn't give in to temptation! Very proud of myself. Onward and upward!

Ash Wednesday Day #1 of Lent

I have decided to fully participate in Lent this year. I need to make some mental, spiritual, and physical changes. I think by observing the Lent season I can make some positive changes.
My NO list
1. Sugar
2. Arguing or getting angry
3. Pork
4. Check writing for things we really don't need. If I don't have the cash then I don't need it.
5. Eating out
My YES list
1. Pray more
2. Do something nice for myself each day
3. Be nicer to others in my life
4. Replace 30 minutes of TV with 30 minutes of reading something uplifting
5. Focus on the positive
I am going to journal my experiences throughout this Lent season. So far I have been doing good but cannot wait until my work day is over. I have a headache, peeing a lot, and would love to go to bed. I am going to take detox bath before bedtime for a few days. Hopefully it will help with the detoxing of my body. This website has some great tips for detoxing.

 http://www.wholeliving.com/133627/daily-detoxing-tips?czone=wellness/mmxii-action-plan/week-one&center=152870&gallery=152128&slide=25180

Living Life Workout

I have decided to cancel my gym membership. I have always worried that if I did cancel it then it would be a sign that I have given up. But its just the opposite. So many times I felt intimidated when I was in the gym. Whether it was unsure of how to use a piece of equipment or if I did use it I felt awkward. Yesterday I helped Billy D with firewood. He cut the logs, I hauled them, and stacked them on the trailer. It felt so good to be out in the warm sun and using every muscle in my body. My first thought was that I should really get back into the gym. Then I realized that being in the gym didn't make me feel anywhere close to how great I was feeling out there. I felt alive for the first time in months. I pushed my body harder than I ever have at the gym. Today I am sore but stronger. For me stronger and happier does come from a gym.


 Living life and getting exercise kills two birds with one stone for me. I love nature, getting my hands dirty, and just living! The only instruction I needed yesterday was to lift with my knees and hold the wood close to my body. Didn't we all learn how to properly lift things when we were in junior high??? I don't need fancy equipment to become strong. The whole world is my gym. I am not sure what clicked in me yesterday that made me come to this epiphany but praise God it did. For the first time in years I feel good about me. It took just one time of doing a Living Life Workout for me to feel a little more connected with Marsha Ann. That has never happened for me in the gym. For the first time in a long time my body and mind are ready.

This is a picture of my workout "equipment".

Happy New Year!

I hope everyone is enjoying a fabulous new year. I have decided one of my goals for the year is to blog at least once a day. I think by getting my thoughts out I will be able to release some of my anxiety. I have several resolutions this year but the most important one is to have a closer walk with God. I think that by walking closer to God all of my other resolutions will fall into place. Meeting new people and having new adventures is another resolution I have set. I have spent the past few years being stagnant. I need to get out and start living again. I am more excited to start this year then I have been in the past few years. 2014 WILL be my year.