Materialistic

One of the hardest things about moving to the farm was being estranged from my "stuff". Stuff that I worked hard for in order to have the money to buy. Stuff I have collected for several years. Stuff that I would cry over if it were ruined. Plastic. Glass. Cloth. Crystal. Metal.  Shiny. Dull. Soft. Stuff. 

On more than one occasion I went into the barn and cried over my stuff. How dare stuff I had worked so hard for be in a dusty, damp barn? This was MY stuff. My stuff deserved better treatment than that! Never mind the fact that I had a warm bed to sleep in, food to eat, and a roof  over my head. Then one day a question popped into my head. Are you materialistic or thankful?

Sadly, my answer was materialistic. Stuff had become my god. Buying stuff brought me momentary satisfaction. I could look at my stuff with a sense of satisfaction that I was able to acquire it all. I didn't want stuff because someone else had it. I could care less about what someone else has. I wanted stuff because of the sense of accomplishment I got from acquiring it all. I wanted stuff because I wanted to be surrounded by pretty things. Temporary joy. Thats all I got from my stuff. Temporary joy. 

God's plan for me does not include being materialistic. I have been fighting Him tooth and nail over the past several months about my stuff but the fight is over. No longer will my stuff be a god in my life. Once I accepted God's plan for me, I began to pray about having the strength to let go of so much stuff. A materialistic cleansing of sorts. Each time I give something useless away the stronger it makes me. I am not saying that I won't have some nice things but no where near the overabundance of things that I have. The less stuff that I have the more thankful that I am. My focus has shifted from acquiring stuff to becoming more aware of my true blessings. True blessings do not come in the form of stuff. True blessings come when you are thankful for what you have. If I am not thankful for my blessings then why would God continue to bless me? 

P.S I have been doing some purging of my stuff and in doing so I have been able to bless others. The money that I earn is donated to my favorite charity organizations. Being less materialistic is part of God's plan for me and so is giving back to others. Its a win/win situation! 

The sun

One of the most valuable things I have learned about since moving to the farm is how important the sun is. We spent a few weeks without electricty when we first moved here. I would sit and wait for the sun to rise so I could have light. Its been raining a lot lately and even on rainless days its cloudy. My yard is a slosh pit and work on my house has slowed down due to the nasty weather. Its pretty cold here in my bedroom but the sun is coming up and I can feel the room warming up. Despite the cold temperature, I know that the sun will heat my house up all day and that warmth will last several hours into the night. 

In the Spring/Summer we are going to have a garden and I know the sun will play a huge role in the success or failure of the garden. It seems silly to me that I used to take the sun for granted. It was just there. I mainly complained about it being too hot and would long for cooler days. I am sure during the Summer heat I will probably complain again but I have a new respect for the sun. I understand how vital it is for survival. I am seriously going to do research on using the sun as more of a resource than what we do now. I am hoping by next Winter the majority of our heat will come from natural resources. 

I feel like God led us to make the move to the farm and some days I wonder why. I know its not right to question God's will but I am human and sometimes my faith is weak. But most days His plan is clear. I suffer from anxiety/panic attacks and since we have moved here they aren't nearly as bad as they were. God shifted my mind away from fear to finding the strength and knowledge to make it through each day. I still have my low days but just like the sun I have my days where I am resourceful and shine bright. 

Farm Life Week 6

Today starts week 6 of being at the farm. We have come so far in such a short amount of time. To me, the first 2 weeks we more about survival than living. They were probably 2 of the hardest weeks of my life both mentally and physically. With pure determination and being in the will of God we made it though. 

I am proud of myself for focusing more on what we do have as opposed to what we do not. However, there are times in which I do breakdown and feel almost hopeless. The Lord always brings me back to my lane and makes me stop swerving.

My anxiety had been much better here. I think the first few weeks I was just too tired to have a panic attack. The past week or so my anxiety has returned but not nearly as bad as it was. 

Over the past 5 weeks I have learned to either do without or work with what we have. I wouldn't trade the last 5 weeks for anything. Now as we start into week 6 I am finally feeling like this is real and our dreams are now reality. The farm feels like home. Good night my sweet friends. 

Panic Disorder Diva

Sometimes I think I am going to start calling myself the Panic Disorder Diva. I have come to the point that if something doesn't feel right I am not going to force myself to do it and will not be riddled with guilt. Those who don't like it can go skip a rope. 

One of lifes greatest pleasure is getting my hair professionally done. Over the past year or so I have been doing it myself except for one occassion. I really love my old hair stylist and the one who did my hair last Summer but something was causing my to go into panic/anxiety mode so I started just doing my own hair. I was always let down when I would open the box of hair dye to the point of almost crying. 

Today I am going to try someone new. She has a shop that sets off by itself and its just her. No crowds, no coworkers, no commotion, no people in and out, etc. I pray that this works for me. I find a great deal of comfort in being able to contact her this morning and let her know where I am mentally today. Her reply was both comforting and understanding. I think the best part of contacting her was how in charge it made me feel. Had I been met with something other than kindness and understanding I would have found somewhere else to go. I would not have returned to the disappointing box of over the counter box though. I would have just found someone who understands and went there. Blessfully, she got where I was coming from.

Todays count: Marsha Ann-1 Anxiety-ZERO 

Martyr

I have come to realize that I spend a lot of energy trying to make everyone happy. I even sacrifice my own well being and happiness to assure someone else is happy. I can list a million different reasons why I am like this but can't think of one way to stop. I spent a lot of time being a selfish person. I am the total opposite now. I try to make everyone happy and it seems like the majority of this is money based. I think if I buy someone something they will be happy with me. Never works like that. I also do things I really don't want to do so I won't disappoint anyone. I would rather suck up any pain I am feeling or just push my anxiety down in order to make them happy. I am getting old before my time. Each time I go with the flow I become more and more empty. I am

Honestly to the point that I am either going to totally lose it or make some serious changes. I have always been a fighter. I just need to do some searching and ressurect the part of me that made me so strong. 

Genesis 19:26

Genesis 19:26~But Lot's wife looked back, and she became a pillar of salt.

I have been struggling a bit this morning over the past. Too often small things trigger emotions that I think I have already dealt with. When those emotions surface I feel that I have to once again fight those awful feelings and become very depressed again. I came across the scripture about Lot's wife. Before this morning I thought that this scripture only meant that we need to look away from evil. I feel differently about the scripture now.

I really believe too often we look back on memories and let them control our present. Salt preserves and Christians are supposed to preserve the Light of God. When we look back at our past are we preserving light or darkness in our hearts? I feel very enlightened after reading the scripture. I also feel more at peace about the past. Looking bad doesn't always have to be bad. As long as we don't dwell there and preserve sadness or bitterness in our hearts. Today I am choosing to use my "salt" to preserve the Light in my life.

Panic attacks/anxiety

I can distinctly remember my first panic attack. I was around 9 years old and had chicken pox. My dad stayed home with me one day. I had a really bad case of chicken pox and my fever was pretty high. I remember laying there feeling like I couldn't breath. My dad came into check on me and I told him that I couldn't breath. He was a little short with me and told me to just sit up and I would be fine. I remember talking to myself so I would feel better. Talking to myself helped. Keeping my thoughts inside of my head was much easier than actually saying the words out loud. I felt like I would be less judged that way.

I used to share a bed with my sister and when she would stay with a friend I would be terrified. There wasn't anything in particular that I feared. There was no bogey monster hiding under my bed nor was there a crazy clown in my closet. I just had this overwhelming fear. I would be so scared that I would crawl on the floor into my parents room and sleep by their bed. I remember being so relieved by the time I made it in their room. All of my panic would go away.

One of the things that helped me overcome my anxiety is my teddy bear. He was my anchor when I had panic attacks. He brought me a great deal of relief. When we would move I always packed Teddy in my suitcase because I couldn't be without him. I slept with him until I was 20. I even slept with him after my oldest son was born. Then my oldest son became my strength when I was in a panic. I still have Teddy.

I am just now coming to realize that my panic attacks and anxiety were present when I was a child. I would want to spend the night with a friend and would be doing fine until it was time to go to sleep then the panic would set in. I would wind up calling my mom to come get me. It was humiliating but the fear was too much for me to deal with. Being in the comfort of my own room was all I could think of. Now when things get to be too much for me I go into my room. I can sit on my bed and be alone for a few minutes then the anxiety lessens. I have darkening curtains over my windows so other than my lamp my bedroom is dark. I find peace in the room being dark. I also find peace and comfort in the rain. There is something so calming about the rain. Most people suffer when it rains but not me.  I sleep better and feel happier when it rains. I used to think it was really odd but now I embrace it. Just because it isn't what everyone else deems as normal doesn't mean it isn't normal. Anything that a person finds to bring themselves peace then I think they should consider that normal. No one can judge another person's definition of normal. Nor should others judge people who have a mental illness. The struggle is most def real.