Love thyself

I think sometimes we do so much for others because its easier than self care. Especially when you have a chronic illness. Most people with a chronic illness have the feeling that they have no control over their mind and/or body. Helping others is a way of having control in your life and have a sense of accomplishment in a world where you feel useless. Hearing "great job" or "thank you" are words we should be speaking to ourselves. Not words we are waiting to hear from someone else in order to feel needed and appreciated. At the end of the day those you help will no longer need you. You will be left feeling abandoned and let down. You will blame the other person for the negative feelings you have. Friendships can be ruined and relationships can end because of this. Then the focus will be on healing from the loss of someone you cared about. The vicious cycle will continue in relationship after relationship until you learn to be as good to yourself as you are to others. God, you, and then others. Sadly we skip the "you" part too often and slide right into doing for others to avoid the "you" part. Never avoid you or the baggage that comes with being you. Embrace yourself instead of relying on others to do it for you. You make yourself the #2 in your life. God then you. You will continue to feel empty until you learn that you are just as important as others. Take care of you. Be strong for you. Be good to you. Love you. ❤

Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of  a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight.~~~1 Peter 3:4

Lupus Lily

I have decided to name my Lupus, Lily. I figured since my Lupus is not going away anytime soon I might as well try to befriend her. Yesterday morning when I woke up Lupus Lily was beating on me worse than she ever has. I could hardly even walk. I know I have been doing too much lately but I have so many things in life that I want to do and have been too afraid to do. Lupus Lily could decide to attack my kidneys tomorrow and shut them down. IF that happens I want to be able to say that despite having Lupus I did this and that. I don’t want to live part of a life because of Lupus. If it means trips to the ER for relief then so be it. I don’t want to look back and say I should have. I can now look back and say I did it.

Adventures

In my quest to rule the world I have decided at least once a week I would do something I have always wanted to do or do something I would consider to be brave. This past week I contacted the assistant to someone I would love to shoot the breeze with and he agreed to do it. I also got media access to go listen to Oliver North speak next month. He has been one of my heros since I was a kid. I will never get to meet Ronald Reagan so this is the next best thing to me! Last but not least I walked around in the back of our property at night. I am really afraid of the dark so when we go back there are night I never get out but tonight I did. I decided around midnight that I needed to face my fears and go back there. Poor Billy D was almost asleep when I told him I was going and going to drive myself but he got up because he didn’t want me going back there at night by myself in the dark. When we got back there I walked about 10 yards away from the car and calmly walked back. Wasn’t a minute after I got back inside the car that BD and I heard a cougar holler. Scared me because it sounded like a kid hollering. When BD said it was a cougar then I was really freaked. 😜 We heard it again about ten minutes later then I was ready to go. Lol! So I think I have met my “Adventure” quota for the week. Hey! I wonder if Editor Chad would let me do another column. 🧐 I will wait to ask him until tomorrow. Gotta get started on next weeks Adventures quota! ❤️🎈❤️

The moon is so beautiful tonight! Oh yeah, by the way, I wore my cute pajamas and housecoat back there. If I was going to get mauled by cougars or wolves I want my clothes to be cute for when they show me on the news. 🤪

Hot beer & stale cigarettes

I can hear a certain song and it takes me right back to another time. An old friend of mine I haven’t seen in probably 20 years died last year. At one point in my life he was the only real friend I had. The last time we talked he said he loved me and I didn’t say it back. I never thought that would be the last thing I ever heard him say. He died thinking I did not love him but I did. I loved him with as much love as my heart had room for at that time. I was too busy loving myself to worry about anyone else. Through the grace of God that will never be me again. I will never let another person leave this world not knowing that I love them. I used to think you could only love one person at a time but thats wrong. There are so many types of love that folks share. You can love one hundred people at once but all for different reasons. I think God allows us to love so much that whatever painful things we go through we are surrounded by folks we love and who love us back. Ephesians 4:2: “Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love."

I have moved on from my Season of Thinning The Herd. 😜 I prayed a lot and cried a lot then I let it go. Within a three day period God revealed the ones I needed to remove from my life. There were exactly seven. All family. I have so much peace now. I am calling this my Season of Growth. Good things are happening for me and I know the devil will try me but I am prayed up. The harder the fight, the sweeter the reward. 😘🎈😘

BD

We are total opposites but yet we are the same. You always have to get the last word in and no matter how hard you try I always manage to coax you into saying the last word. I once referred to you as the Reagan to my Thatcher but then I realized you could not be either one of them. Your heart is too sweet. No way you could ever be iron fisted. I cannot call you the peanut butter to my jelly cuz I really don’t like either one plus a friend told us pb has rat poop in it so nope. I cannot call you the chicken to my waffle cuz you know my rule “Don’t mix my meats with my sweets.” So I guess all I have left to call you is the Billy D to my Marsha Ann.❤️

Family

About a year ago I volunteered to take over the Christmas Fest in Joaquin. I was given the number to the preacher at Joaquin FUMC because he wanted to help bring the community together. He actually saved my skin! Had it not been for his help in getting help I would have failed miserably. Instead $6000 was raised! This whole year everyone at FUMC has treated us like family. Billy D and I rotate going to Pine Ridge and FUMC. I love my Dad and love to hear him preach. I will continue going to Pine Ridge as long as he is preaching there. The connection that Billy and I both have with members of  both churches is like they are family. Well tonight Billy D found out that he is actually kin to Bro.Robert! They are second cousins!!! Billys bio dad was Bro.Roberts first cousin. Their Mommas were sisters. Not only that but Billys old boss Bill Baker is also his cousin. This coming Saturday is a family reunion that we will for sure be attending. Y’all just don’t know what this means to BD. We have always felt like God lead Billy to work for the city of Joaquin and now we know why. Had it not been for him working for the city I never would have volunteered and never would have met Bill or Bro.Robert. A whole entire family has been waiting on Billy D and on Saturday I know they will welcome him with arms wide open. Gods timing is so very incredibly beautiful! I have been saying for a few weeks now that God is shifting and elevating my life to new levels. This blessing is just the beginning. I stand in awe of how God works. He knows the emptiness Billy D has felt and is not only filling it but he is letting the joy and love overflow! Ain’t God good? 😊

Wonder

Wonder, wonder, wonder......the world is so full of wonder.
The only wonder I care about is how wonderful your lips must taste.

Cloudy

For most of the past 6 years or so I have lived with a cloudy mind. For one reason or another. In one way or another. The cloudiness was almost always present. I needed the cloudiness. I needed to just lay back and float with the clouds. It was easier than living with a clear head. A clear head leaves room for things you don't want to think about or even remember. But I know that eventually the clouds are going to have to go away. Permanently. I feel the strong need for some sunshine. Not ready to let go of the cloudiness just yet but I am enjoying the little rays of sunshine I am letting in.

The devil is trying to keep my mind cloudy. The cloudier my mind is the less I see. The less I see the more I hurt. The more I hurt the more the devil has control. If the clouds go away then I have to face things, think about things, and process things. For a long time I loved the clouds. Ignorance is bliss! Now the clouds are holding me back. I need to see life as it is and deal with it. I need the sun but no matter how much sun I let in there will always, always be that really dark cloud way in the back. I won't know he is always there but from time to time he will let me know he still exists and that's ok. for he is where I gain some of my strength. I was strong enough to put him in the corner and I will be strong enough to fight him when he tries to come sneaking back in. From this day forward the clouds are being set free. I am being set free.....

Are you listening or being polite?

So today I had a “discussion” with someone who told me to stop mentioning my illnesses then I get the “we all get it already” speech. And some folks wonder why there is still such a stigma. Folks want to know enough to relieve themselves of any guilt by not asking but not too much information because in all honesty some folks just don’t care. And honestly I would rather someone walk by me in Walmart and tell me they don’t care about my health than the fake polite how are you doing? Don’t get me wrong. I have done it. I have politely asked someone how they are and when they tell me all I am thinking about is I hope Billy D got the right cake mix. So why not just smile and wave? Is it better to be standoffish than fake? Am I being a better woman of God by honestly wanting to know how the person is? I don’t have so much going on in my life that I don’t have a few minutes to spare to truly listen to what is being said. You might be the only person he or she has spoken with all day or possibly days. So if they take up a few minutes of your time just appreciate the blessing you are giving them and praise God for putting you there to listen. 

This poor man called, and the Lord heard him;
he saved him out of all his troubles.

Psalm 34:6

Dabbling in poetry

I have decided to do a little poetry. I have poems going through my head a lot but rarely write them down. I have thoughts and feelings that might not pertain to anything going on in my life. I just think the words are beautiful and want to share them. So please do not read more into my writing than what is there. 😘

The smoke and mirrors have been removed. 

What you now see is real.

 Not just a facsimile. 

To be real means to be free. 

Forever in your heart you will now always see the real me. 

The free me. The shining me. The loving you me. The forever me. The because of you me......❤️