Today was pretty uneventful. I did discover that when I need a good cry I keep going back and sitting on the same old stump. When we first moved to the farm I had chosen that spot as my kinda “secret garden” type thing. Then it got logged and my area was gone. I still go sit there except now its a jumbled up mess. For some reason I am drawn to that spot. I go sit there, on my stump, in my spot, and cry.

Sometimes I feel like no one understands what its like to have severe anxiety and PTSD plus Lupus. An example of how things are for me now. I try to walk at least a little bit each day. This morning I felt really good some my hubs and I walked a little further than I usually do. I was feeling great and then bam! I could hardly move. My joints got stiff and the pain was setting in. Then I start to oanic. Worrying if I can make it back home or not. Because of barely being able to pick my feet up I kept getting caught in berry vines and almost fell numerous times. I almost asked my hubs to go get the Tracker and come pick me up. I didn’t because I was already so humiliated. I just gritted my teeth and walked on home. So my morning started off emotional which lead to a severe panic attack. Been on edge ever since.

I am going to try to get some rest and pray that this funk will go away. ❤️

Moving On

Whether I want to or not I am hurting. Been a long time since I have had my heartbroken. Kinda makes me feel like an old fool. If the good Lord leaves me on this Earth for another hundred years I will never get why some folks think its ok to use others. Make them care just to get what they want. Then when you are no longer needed you are out. The pain is bad today but tomorrow is another day. Everyday that passes the pain will become less and less. Just so very tired of trusting folks who are only out for themselves. I honestly could not sleep at night if I treated folks the way I am treated. I sure couldn’t hurt someone without batting an eye then turn around and claim to be a Christian. God says to love thy neighbor like you do yourself. Everyday I try to uphold this. I am kind, supportive, forgiving, and most of all I am there for folks. No matter how bad I get hurt sometime I will continue to be the same way. I would not be Marsha Ann if I were to stop being the person that I am today. I refuse to allow anyone to bring out the worst in me. Just gotta pray hard, wait for the pain to pass, and move on. No matter how much it hurts. 

Cloudy

For most of the past 6 years or so I have lived with a cloudy mind. For one reason or another. In one way or another. The cloudiness was almost always present. I needed the cloudiness. I needed to just lay back and float with the clouds. It was easier than living with a clear head. A clear head leaves room for things you don't want to think about or even remember. But I know that eventually the clouds are going to have to go away. Permanently. I feel the strong need for some sunshine. Not ready to let go of the cloudiness just yet but I am enjoying the little rays of sunshine I am letting in.

The devil is trying to keep my mind cloudy. The cloudier my mind is the less I see. The less I see the more I hurt. The more I hurt the more the devil has control. If the clouds go away then I have to face things, think about things, and process things. For a long time I loved the clouds. Ignorance is bliss! Now the clouds are holding me back. I need to see life as it is and deal with it. I need the sun but no matter how much sun I let in there will always, always be that really dark cloud way in the back. I won't know he is always there but from time to time he will let me know he still exists and that's ok. for he is where I gain some of my strength. I was strong enough to put him in the corner and I will be strong enough to fight him when he tries to come sneaking back in. From this day forward the clouds are being set free. I am being set free.....

Ephesians

Let me start by saying the past few weeks have been some of the hardest of my life. So much has happened that I am having a hard time wrapping my mind around. Well I did have a problem but not anymore.

For months now God has been leading me to read the book of Ephesians. I even called my Dad to see if he could give me some info on the book. I still did not read it. I had numerous conversations with friends about it. Today during a conversation I was having the Lord kept putting Ephesians in my head. Still did not open my Bible. It is almost 11 p.m. and for some reason revenge and Ephesians kept rolling around in my aching head. I asked my hubby to Google "Ephesians" and "revenge". This is what he found: Ephesians 4:26-27  Go ahead and be angry but don't use your anger as fuel for revenge. And don't stay angry. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry,and do not give the devil a foothold. 

My first thought was how perfectly fitting these scriptures were today and sums up a lot of other things for me too. Then I opened up Ephesians and then Ephesians opened up me. Despite how fitting the scriptures summed up some stuff, these are not why the Lord has been directing me to read the book of Ephesians. This is:
Ephesians 4:32 Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.
I am not God. It is not my place to even think I know what God will do. I have to trust in Him to guide and protect me. I also have to continue to have a forgiving heart. Its been a struggle all evening but I have found the forgiveness in my heart. When I close my eyes tonight I will do so with the peace of mind knowing I have forgiven everyone who has ever done me dirty. God did not steer me toward Ephesians to learn about anger; He sent me there to learn more about forgiveness. I am good on the angry part because for the most part I have anger under control. Its the forgiveness part that I sometimes struggle with. As wore out as I am both mentally and physically, I thank God for today. Its through trials that we evolve and grow. Change also comes with trials. Tomorrow is a brand new day and I intend to make the best of it. I will continue to right all of the wrongs in my life. My slate has been wiped clean by God but I need to right some wrongs. He has given me a pass but I would not be Marsha Ann if I did not work on myself to become a better person with each day that passes. I will shut this down with one last scripture:
 Mark 11:25 But when you are praying, first forgive anyone you are holding a grudge against, so that your Father in heaven will forgive your sins, too.
 
 Peace be with you and have a good night!

 

 

Overthrown

Its 7:15 and I am already hurting. Been up for almost two hours. The longer I am awake the worse the pain is. I really did not want to cry today but have been off and on since I woke up. Hopefully I can get in to see the doctor today. My mind has so much static right now. I just want it all clear so I won’t feel so low.  So much has happened over the past few weeks that even a “normal” person would be ready to shut down. I have been looking for a word that goes beyond defeated. When I looked up the word defeated the word “overthrown” was used a lot in the results. Seeing that word over and over made me realize I still have some spark left in me. No way will the devil overthrow me.  I will keep fighting.   I just need to roll with the waves a little bit longer. Keep praying and this will all soon be over.