Love thyself

I think sometimes we do so much for others because its easier than self care. Especially when you have a chronic illness. Most people with a chronic illness have the feeling that they have no control over their mind and/or body. Helping others is a way of having control in your life and have a sense of accomplishment in a world where you feel useless. Hearing "great job" or "thank you" are words we should be speaking to ourselves. Not words we are waiting to hear from someone else in order to feel needed and appreciated. At the end of the day those you help will no longer need you. You will be left feeling abandoned and let down. You will blame the other person for the negative feelings you have. Friendships can be ruined and relationships can end because of this. Then the focus will be on healing from the loss of someone you cared about. The vicious cycle will continue in relationship after relationship until you learn to be as good to yourself as you are to others. God, you, and then others. Sadly we skip the "you" part too often and slide right into doing for others to avoid the "you" part. Never avoid you or the baggage that comes with being you. Embrace yourself instead of relying on others to do it for you. You make yourself the #2 in your life. God then you. You will continue to feel empty until you learn that you are just as important as others. Take care of you. Be strong for you. Be good to you. Love you. ❤

Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of  a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight.~~~1 Peter 3:4

Security Blanket

When you get to be my age you start to wonder about the meaning of life and all of the other getting older mumbo jumbo. Trying to let go of youth and move on into middle age is hard for a lot of people. I have been through a lot in life and trying to find who I am has been one of my goals this year. As if that was not hard enough on its own I threw weight loss into the mix. I have lost weight before but was not prepared for the emotions that I feel this time. I have always felt like I have never had a voice or that no one took me seriously. Now they do. That is another roller coaster of emotions. Having numerous autoimmune disease. That makes the cesspool in my brain a little worse. However, I think out of every confusing thing that I am going through, handling my weight loss has been the worst.

When I look in the mirror I do not recognize myself. I still have the same eyes, nose, and lips. My bone structure is still the same but its visible now. Its like I am now exposed to the world. There is no better security blanket better than fat. Each pound lost is another layer of my past stripped away. If I let go of who I was then who am I now? With no security blanket I have had to deal with a lot from my past. Come to terms with a lot of stuff and close many doors that needed closing. Now I am in the hall, stripped of everything that I thought I was. My hall is long and dark but I do see a faint light at the end. Each day that passes the light gets brighter. I am getting closer to figuring out who I am now.  In all honesty I am not sure if I have ever really known the real Marsha Ann.

I believe that God has a reason for everything. Maybe by helping me remove my security blanket, He is showing me how to finally be happy with myself which will make me happier about life. Not having the security blanket exposes thoughts and feelings that I have pushed down. There is nowhere for my insecurities to hide anymore. When insecurities are discovered you have to figure out how to fix them. When you have seen what they are you cannot turn away from them. You have to meet them head on and knock them out of the way. In my hall I am battling my insecurities and all of the pain they have caused me. When I go to sleep tonight I will praise God for bringing me closer to who I truly am and leading me into a brighter future. A future with a lot less pain, insecurity, and disappointments. I will finally be free to be me. ❤️

Lupus Lily

I have decided to name my Lupus, Lily. I figured since my Lupus is not going away anytime soon I might as well try to befriend her. Yesterday morning when I woke up Lupus Lily was beating on me worse than she ever has. I could hardly even walk. I know I have been doing too much lately but I have so many things in life that I want to do and have been too afraid to do. Lupus Lily could decide to attack my kidneys tomorrow and shut them down. IF that happens I want to be able to say that despite having Lupus I did this and that. I don’t want to live part of a life because of Lupus. If it means trips to the ER for relief then so be it. I don’t want to look back and say I should have. I can now look back and say I did it.

Adventures

In my quest to rule the world I have decided at least once a week I would do something I have always wanted to do or do something I would consider to be brave. This past week I contacted the assistant to someone I would love to shoot the breeze with and he agreed to do it. I also got media access to go listen to Oliver North speak next month. He has been one of my heros since I was a kid. I will never get to meet Ronald Reagan so this is the next best thing to me! Last but not least I walked around in the back of our property at night. I am really afraid of the dark so when we go back there are night I never get out but tonight I did. I decided around midnight that I needed to face my fears and go back there. Poor Billy D was almost asleep when I told him I was going and going to drive myself but he got up because he didn’t want me going back there at night by myself in the dark. When we got back there I walked about 10 yards away from the car and calmly walked back. Wasn’t a minute after I got back inside the car that BD and I heard a cougar holler. Scared me because it sounded like a kid hollering. When BD said it was a cougar then I was really freaked. 😜 We heard it again about ten minutes later then I was ready to go. Lol! So I think I have met my “Adventure” quota for the week. Hey! I wonder if Editor Chad would let me do another column. 🧐 I will wait to ask him until tomorrow. Gotta get started on next weeks Adventures quota! ❤️🎈❤️

The moon is so beautiful tonight! Oh yeah, by the way, I wore my cute pajamas and housecoat back there. If I was going to get mauled by cougars or wolves I want my clothes to be cute for when they show me on the news. 🤪

Hot beer & stale cigarettes

I can hear a certain song and it takes me right back to another time. An old friend of mine I haven’t seen in probably 20 years died last year. At one point in my life he was the only real friend I had. The last time we talked he said he loved me and I didn’t say it back. I never thought that would be the last thing I ever heard him say. He died thinking I did not love him but I did. I loved him with as much love as my heart had room for at that time. I was too busy loving myself to worry about anyone else. Through the grace of God that will never be me again. I will never let another person leave this world not knowing that I love them. I used to think you could only love one person at a time but thats wrong. There are so many types of love that folks share. You can love one hundred people at once but all for different reasons. I think God allows us to love so much that whatever painful things we go through we are surrounded by folks we love and who love us back. Ephesians 4:2: “Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love."

I have moved on from my Season of Thinning The Herd. 😜 I prayed a lot and cried a lot then I let it go. Within a three day period God revealed the ones I needed to remove from my life. There were exactly seven. All family. I have so much peace now. I am calling this my Season of Growth. Good things are happening for me and I know the devil will try me but I am prayed up. The harder the fight, the sweeter the reward. 😘🎈😘

Justin Timberlake - Say Something (Official Video) ft. Chris Stapleton

JT gets my writing juices flowing!

Tickled Pink

I am so excited! I took a chance and it paid off. Thanks Bubba for letting me name drop. 😎The lady that  I spoke with was super nice. I am a HUGE HUGE fan of his so if you do not like him please keep scrolling and don't bust my bubble! I am over the top thrilled!