Friday, December 7, 2018

Love thyself

I think sometimes we do so much for others because its easier than self care. Especially when you have a chronic illness. Most people with a chronic illness have the feeling that they have no control over their mind and/or body. Helping others is a way of having control in your life and have a sense of accomplishment in a world where you feel useless. Hearing "great job" or "thank you" are words we should be speaking to ourselves. Not words we are waiting to hear from someone else in order to feel needed and appreciated. At the end of the day those you help will no longer need you. You will be left feeling abandoned and let down. You will blame the other person for the negative feelings you have. Friendships can be ruined and relationships can end because of this. Then the focus will be on healing from the loss of someone you cared about. The vicious cycle will continue in relationship after relationship until you learn to be as good to yourself as you are to others. God, you, and then others. Sadly we skip the "you" part too often and slide right into doing for others to avoid the "you" part. Never avoid you or the baggage that comes with being you. Embrace yourself instead of relying on others to do it for you. You make yourself the #2 in your life. God then you. You will continue to feel empty until you learn that you are just as important as others. Take care of you. Be strong for you. Be good to you. Love you. ❤

Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of  a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight.~~~1 Peter 3:4

Sunday, November 4, 2018

Security Blanket

When you get to be my age you start to wonder about the meaning of life and all of the other getting older mumbo jumbo. Trying to let go of youth and move on into middle age is hard for a lot of people. I have been through a lot in life and trying to find who I am has been one of my goals this year. As if that was not hard enough on its own I threw weight loss into the mix. I have lost weight before but was not prepared for the emotions that I feel this time. I have always felt like I have never had a voice or that no one took me seriously. Now they do. That is another roller coaster of emotions. Having numerous autoimmune disease. That makes the cesspool in my brain a little worse. However, I think out of every confusing thing that I am going through, handling my weight loss has been the worst.

When I look in the mirror I do not recognize myself. I still have the same eyes, nose, and lips. My bone structure is still the same but its visible now. Its like I am now exposed to the world. There is no better security blanket better than fat. Each pound lost is another layer of my past stripped away. If I let go of who I was then who am I now? With no security blanket I have had to deal with a lot from my past. Come to terms with a lot of stuff and close many doors that needed closing. Now I am in the hall, stripped of everything that I thought I was. My hall is long and dark but I do see a faint light at the end. Each day that passes the light gets brighter. I am getting closer to figuring out who I am now.  In all honesty I am not sure if I have ever really known the real Marsha Ann.

I believe that God has a reason for everything. Maybe by helping me remove my security blanket, He is showing me how to finally be happy with myself which will make me happier about life. Not having the security blanket exposes thoughts and feelings that I have pushed down. There is nowhere for my insecurities to hide anymore. When insecurities are discovered you have to figure out how to fix them. When you have seen what they are you cannot turn away from them. You have to meet them head on and knock them out of the way. In my hall I am battling my insecurities and all of the pain they have caused me. When I go to sleep tonight I will praise God for bringing me closer to who I truly am and leading me into a brighter future. A future with a lot less pain, insecurity, and disappointments. I will finally be free to be me. ❤️

Monday, October 29, 2018

Lupus Lily

I have decided to name my Lupus, Lily. I figured since my Lupus is not going away anytime soon I might as well try to befriend her. Yesterday morning when I woke up Lupus Lily was beating on me worse than she ever has. I could hardly even walk. I know I have been doing too much lately but I have so many things in life that I want to do and have been too afraid to do. Lupus Lily could decide to attack my kidneys tomorrow and shut them down. IF that happens I want to be able to say that despite having Lupus I did this and that. I don’t want to live part of a life because of Lupus. If it means trips to the ER for relief then so be it. I don’t want to look back and say I should have. I can now look back and say I did it.


Sunday, October 21, 2018

Adventures

In my quest to rule the world I have decided at least once a week I would do something I have always wanted to do or do something I would consider to be brave. This past week I contacted the assistant to someone I would love to shoot the breeze with and he agreed to do it. I also got media access to go listen to Oliver North speak next month. He has been one of my heros since I was a kid. I will never get to meet Ronald Reagan so this is the next best thing to me! Last but not least I walked around in the back of our property at night. I am really afraid of the dark so when we go back there are night I never get out but tonight I did. I decided around midnight that I needed to face my fears and go back there. Poor Billy D was almost asleep when I told him I was going and going to drive myself but he got up because he didn’t want me going back there at night by myself in the dark. When we got back there I walked about 10 yards away from the car and calmly walked back. Wasn’t a minute after I got back inside the car that BD and I heard a cougar holler. Scared me because it sounded like a kid hollering. When BD said it was a cougar then I was really freaked. 😜 We heard it again about ten minutes later then I was ready to go. Lol! So I think I have met my “Adventure” quota for the week. Hey! I wonder if Editor Chad would let me do another column. 🧐 I will wait to ask him until tomorrow. Gotta get started on next weeks Adventures quota! ❤️🎈❤️
The moon is so beautiful tonight! Oh yeah, by the way, I wore my cute pajamas and housecoat back there. If I was going to get mauled by cougars or wolves I want my clothes to be cute for when they show me on the news. ðŸĪŠ

Thursday, October 18, 2018

Hot beer & stale cigarettes

I can hear a certain song and it takes me right back to another time. An old friend of mine I haven’t seen in probably 20 years died last year. At one point in my life he was the only real friend I had. The last time we talked he said he loved me and I didn’t say it back. I never thought that would be the last thing I ever heard him say. He died thinking I did not love him but I did. I loved him with as much love as my heart had room for at that time. I was too busy loving myself to worry about anyone else. Through the grace of God that will never be me again. I will never let another person leave this world not knowing that I love them. I used to think you could only love one person at a time but thats wrong. There are so many types of love that folks share. You can love one hundred people at once but all for different reasons. I think God allows us to love so much that whatever painful things we go through we are surrounded by folks we love and who love us back. Ephesians 4:2: “Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love."

I have moved on from my Season of Thinning The Herd. 😜 I prayed a lot and cried a lot then I let it go. Within a three day period God revealed the ones I needed to remove from my life. There were exactly seven. All family. I have so much peace now. I am calling this my Season of Growth. Good things are happening for me and I know the devil will try me but I am prayed up. The harder the fight, the sweeter the reward. 😘🎈😘

Justin Timberlake - Say Something (Official Video) ft. Chris Stapleton

JT gets my writing juices flowing!

Tuesday, October 16, 2018

Tickled Pink

I am so excited! I took a chance and it paid off. Thanks Bubba for letting me name drop. 😎The lady that  I spoke with was super nice. I am a HUGE HUGE fan of his so if you do not like him please keep scrolling and don't bust my bubble! I am over the top thrilled!

Friday, October 12, 2018

True Leader

Around this time last year I was really struggling. I felt useless and decided after the Christmas Fest that I was going to stop volunteering. My body and mind were both so very tired. Then I was sent an invitation to like Joey Hudnall for Sheriff page. I liked some of the things that he had to say so I invited him to be a judge for the Christmas parade in Joaquin. He was just as nice in person as he was on Facebook. I like people who are the same no matter where they are at.

When Billy D and I left the Christmas Fest I felt the need to pray for Joey. I did not know him other than asking if he wanted to be a judge and maybe talking to him for a few minutes at the Christmas Fest. On a side note: He showed up early which was one less thing I had to worry about. I am not sure what made me start praying for him that day but I have every day since then.

In the past year I have grown so much as a person and have accomplished things I never thought possible. I have also seen a change in my husband who is now running for JP in 2022. He feels like if Joey has the courage to run then he might as well give it a shot too. I often gain strength and encouragement from those around me. I like folks who give up things in life to follow the will of God. Very few know that Hudnall gave up a beautiful ranch and a lucrative job to move back to Shelby County to run for Sheriff. I also stand in awe at his wife and kids. They sacrificed their way of life to move to Shelby County in order to support Joey. I am often asked why I support Joey as the next Sheriff of Shelby County. Two words sum that up: loyalty and honor. In the year that I have known him I have seen his undying commitment to God,family,friends, and to Shelby County. During troubling times I have seen him handle situations with dignity and honor. I have seen pictures of him helping strangers during Hurricane Harvey, I have seen him pass out school supplies to kids who needed them, I have seen him dedicate many hours to the safety and well being of the citizens of Tenaha but most off all I have seen him be a loyal family man. I cannot see where the citizens of Shelby County could go wrong with a Christian who is loyal to God, family, friends and Shelby County. Thats why I back Hudnall 100%. He is already a strong, encouraging leader and thats exactly what Shelby needs!

Monday, October 1, 2018

BD

We are total opposites but yet we are the same. You always have to get the last word in and no matter how hard you try I always manage to coax you into saying the last word. I once referred to you as the Reagan to my Thatcher but then I realized you could not be either one of them. Your heart is too sweet. No way you could ever be iron fisted. I cannot call you the peanut butter to my jelly cuz I really don’t like either one plus a friend told us pb has rat poop in it so nope. I cannot call you the chicken to my waffle cuz you know my rule “Don’t mix my meats with my sweets.” So I guess all I have left to call you is the Billy D to my Marsha Ann.❤️

Sunday, September 30, 2018

Family

About a year ago I volunteered to take over the Christmas Fest in Joaquin. I was given the number to the preacher at Joaquin FUMC because he wanted to help bring the community together. He actually saved my skin! Had it not been for his help in getting help I would have failed miserably. Instead $6000 was raised! This whole year everyone at FUMC has treated us like family. Billy D and I rotate going to Pine Ridge and FUMC. I love my Dad and love to hear him preach. I will continue going to Pine Ridge as long as he is preaching there. The connection that Billy and I both have with members of  both churches is like they are family. Well tonight Billy D found out that he is actually kin to Bro.Robert! They are second cousins!!! Billys bio dad was Bro.Roberts first cousin. Their Mommas were sisters. Not only that but Billys old boss Bill Baker is also his cousin. This coming Saturday is a family reunion that we will for sure be attending. Y’all just don’t know what this means to BD. We have always felt like God lead Billy to work for the city of Joaquin and now we know why. Had it not been for him working for the city I never would have volunteered and never would have met Bill or Bro.Robert. A whole entire family has been waiting on Billy D and on Saturday I know they will welcome him with arms wide open. Gods timing is so very incredibly beautiful! I have been saying for a few weeks now that God is shifting and elevating my life to new levels. This blessing is just the beginning. I stand in awe of how God works. He knows the emptiness Billy D has felt and is not only filling it but he is letting the joy and love overflow! Ain’t God good? 😊

Changing

Had some spare time so I thought I would do a short video blog. The need to make changes in my life is stronger than ever. 

Friday, September 28, 2018

Today was pretty uneventful. I did discover that when I need a good cry I keep going back and sitting on the same old stump. When we first moved to the farm I had chosen that spot as my kinda “secret garden” type thing. Then it got logged and my area was gone. I still go sit there except now its a jumbled up mess. For some reason I am drawn to that spot. I go sit there, on my stump, in my spot, and cry.

Sometimes I feel like no one understands what its like to have severe anxiety and PTSD plus Lupus. An example of how things are for me now. I try to walk at least a little bit each day. This morning I felt really good some my hubs and I walked a little further than I usually do. I was feeling great and then bam! I could hardly move. My joints got stiff and the pain was setting in. Then I start to oanic. Worrying if I can make it back home or not. Because of barely being able to pick my feet up I kept getting caught in berry vines and almost fell numerous times. I almost asked my hubs to go get the Tracker and come pick me up. I didn’t because I was already so humiliated. I just gritted my teeth and walked on home. So my morning started off emotional which lead to a severe panic attack. Been on edge ever since.

I am going to try to get some rest and pray that this funk will go away. ❤️

Moving On

Whether I want to or not I am hurting. Been a long time since I have had my heartbroken. Kinda makes me feel like an old fool. If the good Lord leaves me on this Earth for another hundred years I will never get why some folks think its ok to use others. Make them care just to get what they want. Then when you are no longer needed you are out. The pain is bad today but tomorrow is another day. Everyday that passes the pain will become less and less. Just so very tired of trusting folks who are only out for themselves. I honestly could not sleep at night if I treated folks the way I am treated. I sure couldn’t hurt someone without batting an eye then turn around and claim to be a Christian. God says to love thy neighbor like you do yourself. Everyday I try to uphold this. I am kind, supportive, forgiving, and most of all I am there for folks. No matter how bad I get hurt sometime I will continue to be the same way. I would not be Marsha Ann if I were to stop being the person that I am today. I refuse to allow anyone to bring out the worst in me. Just gotta pray hard, wait for the pain to pass, and move on. No matter how much it hurts. 

Sunday, September 23, 2018

Wonder

Wonder, wonder, wonder......the world is so full of wonder.
The only wonder I care about is how wonderful your lips must taste.

Cloudy

For most of the past 6 years or so I have lived with a cloudy mind. For one reason or another. In one way or another. The cloudiness was almost always present. I needed the cloudiness. I needed to just lay back and float with the clouds. It was easier than living with a clear head. A clear head leaves room for things you don't want to think about or even remember. But I know that eventually the clouds are going to have to go away. Permanently. I feel the strong need for some sunshine. Not ready to let go of the cloudiness just yet but I am enjoying the little rays of sunshine I am letting in.

The devil is trying to keep my mind cloudy. The cloudier my mind is the less I see. The less I see the more I hurt. The more I hurt the more the devil has control. If the clouds go away then I have to face things, think about things, and process things. For a long time I loved the clouds. Ignorance is bliss! Now the clouds are holding me back. I need to see life as it is and deal with it. I need the sun but no matter how much sun I let in there will always, always be that really dark cloud way in the back. I won't know he is always there but from time to time he will let me know he still exists and that's ok. for he is where I gain some of my strength. I was strong enough to put him in the corner and I will be strong enough to fight him when he tries to come sneaking back in. From this day forward the clouds are being set free. I am being set free.....

Where the blacktop ends....the stories begin.

https://www.facebook.com/728076468/posts/10156454297356469/

Wednesday, September 19, 2018

Are you listening or being polite?

So today I had a “discussion” with someone who told me to stop mentioning my illnesses then I get the “we all get it already” speech. And some folks wonder why there is still such a stigma. Folks want to know enough to relieve themselves of any guilt by not asking but not too much information because in all honesty some folks just don’t care. And honestly I would rather someone walk by me in Walmart and tell me they don’t care about my health than the fake polite how are you doing? Don’t get me wrong. I have done it. I have politely asked someone how they are and when they tell me all I am thinking about is I hope Billy D got the right cake mix. So why not just smile and wave? Is it better to be standoffish than fake? Am I being a better woman of God by honestly wanting to know how the person is? I don’t have so much going on in my life that I don’t have a few minutes to spare to truly listen to what is being said. You might be the only person he or she has spoken with all day or possibly days. So if they take up a few minutes of your time just appreciate the blessing you are giving them and praise God for putting you there to listen. 

This poor man called, and the Lord heard him;
he saved him out of all his troubles.
Psalm 34:6

Sunday, September 16, 2018

Dabbling in poetry

I have decided to do a little poetry. I have poems going through my head a lot but rarely write them down. I have thoughts and feelings that might not pertain to anything going on in my life. I just think the words are beautiful and want to share them. So please do not read more into my writing than what is there. 😘

The smoke and mirrors have been removed. 
What you now see is real.
 Not just a facsimile. 
To be real means to be free. 
Forever in your heart you will now always see the real me. 
The free me. The shining me. The loving you me. The forever me. The because of you me......❤️

Dove Hunting 101

Almost 7 years ago today at the age of 40 I got my first hunting license. In all honesty I used to gripe about hunting taking up too much of my husbands time. And then I went. Mind you I was not raised to run a trout line or skin a buck. That came after I was 40! The first time I went I only went because I wanted to get some walking in. Had no intentions us killing anything. We wound up with a deer and a hog. I was hooked. Every chance I took I would go hunting and did for a few years. Then my body decided to become angry with itself and go to war. Its been two years since I have been hunting. Praise the Lord for Poppa D. He would move our chairs for us when we needed to move spots. Never once did he complain about having me with him or how limited my walking was this morning. Never even shot one bullet today but sitting and shooting the breeze with Poppa D was better than shooting 1,000 doves. We talked mostly about the Lords plans for us in this new season. I will upload some video tomorrow. Just too tired tonight.

Tuesday, September 11, 2018

Ephesians

Let me start by saying the past few weeks have been some of the hardest of my life. So much has happened that I am having a hard time wrapping my mind around. Well I did have a problem but not anymore.

For months now God has been leading me to read the book of Ephesians. I even called my Dad to see if he could give me some info on the book. I still did not read it. I had numerous conversations with friends about it. Today during a conversation I was having the Lord kept putting Ephesians in my head. Still did not open my Bible. It is almost 11 p.m. and for some reason revenge and Ephesians kept rolling around in my aching head. I asked my hubby to Google "Ephesians" and "revenge". This is what he found: Ephesians 4:26-27  Go ahead and be angry but don't use your anger as fuel for revenge. And don't stay angry. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry,and do not give the devil a foothold. 

My first thought was how perfectly fitting these scriptures were today and sums up a lot of other things for me too. Then I opened up Ephesians and then Ephesians opened up me. Despite how fitting the scriptures summed up some stuff, these are not why the Lord has been directing me to read the book of Ephesians. This is:
Ephesians 4:32 Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.
I am not God. It is not my place to even think I know what God will do. I have to trust in Him to guide and protect me. I also have to continue to have a forgiving heart. Its been a struggle all evening but I have found the forgiveness in my heart. When I close my eyes tonight I will do so with the peace of mind knowing I have forgiven everyone who has ever done me dirty. God did not steer me toward Ephesians to learn about anger; He sent me there to learn more about forgiveness. I am good on the angry part because for the most part I have anger under control. Its the forgiveness part that I sometimes struggle with. As wore out as I am both mentally and physically, I thank God for today. Its through trials that we evolve and grow. Change also comes with trials. Tomorrow is a brand new day and I intend to make the best of it. I will continue to right all of the wrongs in my life. My slate has been wiped clean by God but I need to right some wrongs. He has given me a pass but I would not be Marsha Ann if I did not work on myself to become a better person with each day that passes. I will shut this down with one last scripture:
 Mark 11:25 But when you are praying, first forgive anyone you are holding a grudge against, so that your Father in heaven will forgive your sins, too.
 
 Peace be with you and have a good night!


 
 

Matthew West - Forgiveness (Lyrics)

Overthrown

Its 7:15 and I am already hurting. Been up for almost two hours. The longer I am awake the worse the pain is. I really did not want to cry today but have been off and on since I woke up. Hopefully I can get in to see the doctor today. My mind has so much static right now. I just want it all clear so I won’t feel so low.  So much has happened over the past few weeks that even a “normal” person would be ready to shut down. I have been looking for a word that goes beyond defeated. When I looked up the word defeated the word “overthrown” was used a lot in the results. Seeing that word over and over made me realize I still have some spark left in me. No way will the devil overthrow me.  I will keep fighting.   I just need to roll with the waves a little bit longer. Keep praying and this will all soon be over.

Tuesday, September 4, 2018

Goodbye

One of my uncles passed away last night. I feel a connection to him because when I was little he was always so nice to me. His wife is my Mommas sister. Aunt Linda reminds me so much of my grandma. Its probably been 20 years or more since I have seen any of them. Growing up military you don’t always get to have a strong relationship with kinfolks. My heart is so heavy this morning but this is another sign to make the best out of each day. Love and forgive people daily. Don’t let the day pass by without telling someone that you love them. Also do at least one thing to make someone smile. I try to do this and its become such an awesome ritual for me. Being kind to others heals whats broken inside of me. Please remember my family in your prayers. 
#loss
#grief 
#love

Saturday, September 1, 2018

Golden Thread


Golden Thread
  I have always felt like I have something special inside of me. I know we all do but a different kind of special. Something different than those around me. Often when I would feel that way I would feel totally isolated from the world. I have always admired writers. They get to show the world their special kind of something different. They are also admired for their something different. For most of my life I have felt like I had no voice. I think it’s why I have always loved to write. No one would ever listen to me but putting the words on paper gave me a release.

   One day during one of my infamous FB “debates” I would nose my way into something dawned on me. It wasn’t me people didn’t want to hear but it was my words. My angry often twisted words. Words that came from a blackened heart. Then when my blackened heart was busted into a million pieces I thought I was going to die from so much heartache. I felt like there was no way a heart as broken as mine would ever be put back together again. But I prayed. Lord how I prayed. With each prayer and each passing day my heart was mending but it was no longer black. Instead my heart has become a beautiful red like the Blood of my Savior Jesus Christ. The broken pieces are sewn back together with golden thread. The same thread that helped form the Heaven and Earth. I now have a voice because my words have changed. I use words of love, encouragement, unity, and guidance. My words are far from perfect but they have come a long way. Sometimes it’s a struggle but I have to keep remembering how miserable I was when I had a black heart and twisted words. By changing my words I am now a paid freelance writer. I went from not having a voice to having people thank me for the words I have written. 

   God will move in your life if you allow Him to. Let His love be the golden thread that mends all of your heartbreaks and makes you shine like never before. Find your something special or your something different and glow like the beautiful diamond that you are!

He heals the broken hearted and bandages their wounds.~~~Psalm 147:3 



Friday, August 3, 2018

Faith

Before we moved to the farm we spent several weeks cleaning up a cane patch that used to be my husbands grandparents backyard and where their house was. At least an acre of what used to be a pretty yard was covered in switch cane. When we were clearing out the cane every few feet we could find something that was a part of my husbands family. Pieces of old metal, farm tools, a pear tree that my husbands grandma had planted, and even some old pictures.

When we were almost finished clearing the cane I caught a glimpse of a crepe myrtle. The more the cane was cut down the more I could see one of the prettiest crepe myrtles I had even seen. It was almost perfect. My husband said he remembers it being in his grandmas backyard. A friend of my son was on the Bobcat clearing some more. I watched for a few minutes then realized he was fixing to uproot the crepe myrtle. Before I could get him to stop the tree was on the ground. The tree was piled up with the switch cane and burned over the spot where the tree roots were. My heart was so broken, I bawled and squalled for days over losing that tree. Then I started praying that at least a tiny piece of root was left. For over 5 years I have prayed for that tree to come back. I have repeatedly told my husband that it WILL be back! When he was leaving for work this morning he saw something pink out of the corner of his eye. He got out of the vehicle to go see what it was. Sure enough it was the tree! It had come back. the Lord answered my prayers in a beautiful way.

When I was looking at it I thought of myself and how far I have come in the past 5 years. When we first moved to the farm the Lord broke me down. I knew from the beginning that He was breaking me down to rid me of my sinful ways. My ground was made fertile and now my vine is growing stronger and more beautiful. I am like the crepe myrtle. I have been through a lot of fires, been broken down, ran over, and came back stronger than ever! God took my fertile soil and made something beautiful. I have been questioning a few things over the past week. Been doing a lot of praying for God to show me that I am still on the right path. After seeing the crepe myrtle blooming so beautifully I was assured that I am exactly where God wants me to be. Blooming beautifully as an example of faith and answered prayers. 


Ezekiel 17:8~It was planted in good soil beside abundant waters, that it might yield branches and bear fruit and become a splendid vine.   

Tuesday, July 31, 2018

The White Wall

For a long time when my husband would touch my exposed breasts I would feel like I was being attacked. I would lie there with my teeth gritted waiting for the contact to end. I have prayed so hard to not feel like that. Its not fair to me and especially not fair to my husband. Then today a blocked out memory exposed itself. When I was 13 I had stayed the night with a friend who had a much older brother. I don't have a lot of memory from that day. I remember falling asleep on their couch and him waking me up. The next thing I know he was removing my clothes but kept his on. I was scared and confused. When I started to tear up he told me to look at the wall and not him. His main focus was on my breasts. That's why I feel so dirty when my exposed breasts are touched. I have spent so many years feeling ashamed that when my own husband touches me I sometimes feel so dirty. After the older brother fondled me he then penetrated me. Only for a minute or so then he got up and said he got what he wanted. I guess taking the virginity of a 13 year old was an accomplishment for him. 

One of the saddest part of what happened to me is that I was labeled a slut by my peers. I had people stop talking to me and rumors spread that I had a venereal disease. Not once was his name drug through the mud. He was patted on his back for his "accomplishment". No one batted an eye that he had sex with a 13 year old. The slut label stuck with me for a long time. I admit that after that I earned that title. I was looking for affection in the wrong ways. There was a void in me that I was trying to fill by being promiscuous. I hated myself and did not know why. A few months after I was sexually assaulted was the first time I legitimately attempted suicide. I remember taking a bunch of my dads muscle relaxers because I wanted to die. I thought it was because I was being bullied and called horrible names. I blamed myself for the way others were treating me. I felt like a horrible person who did not deserve to live. All the pills did was make me sick and made me feel even more like a loser. 

Last year at the age of 46 I finally accepted that what happened to me was not my fault. I was a 13 yr old virgin that was labeled a whore because a male (I refuse to call him a man) who was almost 20 sexually assaulted me. I never said no so I blamed myself for what happened. In all honesty I was frozen. All I could do was just lay there with my face turned toward the wall. I didn't deserve what happened to me nor did I deserve being labeled a whore. I was sexually assaulted. Its very freeing to finally pardon myself. I will never again blame myself for what happened or how I lived my life for a few years after. I was just a confused little girl who did not deserve what happened to her. 💔